Writing For Life

[9] Sunday

2012-01-22T08:37:00.000-06:00

It's been snowing since the new year's day, and now we are perpetually covered under a thick blanket of white fluff, which will soon turn into ice, and we'll break some bones at some point or another. Any hopes of spring are completely crushed, and most people are just snowed in, hiding in their houses. But not me, when people go in, I come out.

As I make my way through the porch and into the street, I feel the silence. This street, these houses are never as quiet as they are tonight. It is as if everything has just stopped for a moment. The air, the leaves, the birds, the crickets, and other bugs, and most surprisingly, the people. I walk by the same houses I walk by all the time, mostly peeking in - looking at women cooking in the kitchen and kids watching TV in the lounge - but tonight it seems as if there is no one behind these walls; as if everyone is either asleep or sitting quietly respecting this transformation of the season, and bowing down to the laws of nature - or perhaps they are all in as much awe as I am.

I suppose that's the whole point of the snow: it pauses everything. When it falls, take a breath, and then hold that breath to marvel at it's beauty; to acknowledge it's power. I suppose this is nature's way to tell us to calm down, to breathe, to reflect, to just pause, even if for a moment, but to just slow down. My, oh my. What a miracle this snow is.

Journeys.

2012-01-20T22:48:00.000-06:00

At one point, our paths crossed, but we did not know how to stop moving forward.

Moment of Peace

2012-01-17T10:27:00.002-06:00

There were a multitude of emotions playing in my mind, each trying to suppress the other. I had a strange revelation, possibly because there is a certain limit to which the mind can accommodate conflicts. There I was, in total longing and wanting, just to make the other realize the extent of my love. I never consciously wanted anything in return but you reach a stage where the heart desires some comfort which can only come from the other. It makes you hungry and fills every thought in your mind. You question yourself - if you lacked in anything. But apart from superficial flaws, it has all been honest and noble. The intent had been clear because it is not everyday that you find love. And when you find it, you give all that you have. It is a stage in life when you learn to love the other more than anything else. You do not care to die for them, and it feels good because the entire process is a path to self discovery. Then, it hurts so badly, you become fearless, and death is no longer a terrifying preposition.

One morning you wake up and suddenly the sun is shining. It is subtle because the mind is still aware of the chill, but the heart feels warm. You rediscover yourself and the happiness which you have overlooked for a long time. There is no animosity although the scare of a relapse lurks at the back of your mind. You do what anyone would to indulge yourself. There is a smile on your face.

There is no love lost. The intensity remains the same. The perspective changes in a moment that inexplicably redefines feelings. It is like accepting death. There is a moment of eternal peace in the moment before dying.

Dorothy's Shoes

2012-01-12T13:42:00.000-06:00

For some odd reason, these shoes on my shelf make me think of Dorothy's shoes in Wizard of Oz even though they look nothing like them. I keep wondering about weird adventures and wisdom found with strangers. But most importantly, whenever I look at these shoes, they remind me of a conversation between the Tin Woodman and the Scarecrow:

“Oh, I see," said the Tin Woodman. "But, after all, brains are not the best things in the world."

"Have you any?" inquired the Scarecrow.

No, my head is quite empty," answered the Woodman. "But once I had brains, and a heart also; so, having tried them both, I should much rather have a heart.”

Life is Funny [32]

2012-01-06T09:57:00.001-06:00

For your entertainment, following are a few conversationswith the wonderful people in my life... :-)

On the phone...

Raaji: You look thinner in the photograph!

S: I look thinner in real life too.

---

Tom: Dude, you're lazy.

Joe: I prefer the term "motivationallychallenged".

---

"Never again will I reply to a work email with"regards" because the letter g and t are too close together."

---

My Supervisor about a staff member...

Yeah, she is not coming in today. She said shehas a stomach ache. I told her, that's called a hangover.

---

How long do you have to keep it in?

-Milton, on contemplating to take the hot wings challenge.

---

Raaji: Ok, I lost my thought of train.

Marvin: train... of... thought?

Raaji: Yeah, that.

- it was one long night during finals week.

---

Faz: So what is with you and sleep these days?

Raaji: They have this new grass cutting machine which sounds as if a helicopter is flying over your head, and then they start cutting thegrass so early in the morning right outside my building, so I am not gettingany sleep.

Faz: And how early in the morning is that?

Raaji: Umm... around11:30 a.m.

---

----
“Ok Raajii...so when you're famous, remember us small people”
-Emily, looking at my photography

---

[For more Funny Quotes, click on the 'Funny Quotes" tab in the menu bar above]

[8] Sunday.

2012-01-01T15:06:00.000-06:00

It was a white Christmas, and it's an even whiter New Year. I love this kind of snowfall - when the air is still and you can clearly see all the snow flakes with their separate identities softly covering the ground and anything on it. Today is the first day of the year, and we have decided to not come out of our pajamas, rather curl up on the couch, read our favorite books and drink peppermint hot chocolate from the same cup. I like how it is so quiet here other than the occasional sound from the heater or the flipping of the pages of our books (or now the clicking sound of the keystrokes on this keyboard). I like how our feet touch from time to time and I tend to linger on just a little longer because mine are always so cold. I take a peek outside from the window every now and then and every time I do, I feel like I am in a snow globe in my own winter wonderland. I like how I am so warm in here, which is making me drowsy. I like how it's just us.

I yawn a long yawn, I sip from the hot chocolate one more time, I turn another page of Sarte... I feel love all around me. We look up and smile at each other. I wouldn't start the new year any other way. Perfection, I realize, is usually hidden in fleeting moments, like this one.

New Year.

2011-12-30T10:24:00.000-06:00

It's December 31st, 2011. The clock hits 12:00 a.m. All of a sudden it's 2011 again, and you have the chance to redo everything.

Would you?

Gifts, Holidays, and such.

2011-12-27T21:37:00.000-06:00

For those of you who celebrate Christmas, I hope you had a wonderful one. For those who are into holidays, Happy Holidays - I hope you are enjoying the time off. For those who don't celebrate anything at this time of the year, too bad. I hope you are having good days.

Every year, I can't fully fathom all this craziness surrounding the holidays. It's amazing to me how crazy we all can get with the shopping, and the time off, and the snow, and the Christmas trees - for months in advance. When Christmas finally comes, it says a quick hi and before we can fully grasp it, it's gone till next year. That's it? The gifts just become things, the trees are thrown out, the lights taken down and before we know it we are all back to our crummy jobs and making new years resolutions that we all know we won't keep. What is the point of it all, I wonder. What's the craze. It seems like Christmas has long moved on from a religious holiday and become a hallmark holiday designed to make people spend as much as they can for no good reason. I have rolled my eyes at that in the past.

But then something happened on Christmas morning, after the proposal on Christmas Eve, when I woke up sensing this air of excitement all around me. I could hear whispers, and chants and giggles. I came out of my room and found the entire family siting around the Christmas tree, still in their pajamas, opening presents all googly-eyed, and hugging each other, with an occasional scream of joy or laughter of happiness while the smell of hot chocolate and cinnamon filled the house. I watched and observed and smiled, and truly realized then that I had it all wrong. It wasn't about the shopping; it was about the bonding. It wasn't about the gifts around the Christmas tree but the family wrapped up in those gifts. It wasn't about the ring; it was about the love and the commitment. It wasn't about the tons of photographs; it was about the memories.

After all, even for me, it wasn't really about the expensive diamond in this little box. Instead, the hours it took to stand in line to get that little gift wrapped touched my heart the most. I suppose when everything is done and gone and the gifts are broken and lost, that's what you really remember and cherish - the thought, and the effort, and the fact that they know what you like... and most importantly, the love.

I Romanticize

The Right Thing.

2011-12-20T14:45:00.000-06:00

For what it's worth, I didn't really mean to do it, but somehow I ended up standing outside of the Nordstorm where I had been browsing for gifts earlier. And, I wasn't empty handed. Somehow, I had managed to get out of the store with $600 worth of stuff (okay, there were only three items but that's how much they would have cost me) without paying for them. Not only did I get here with these things in my hands but most importantly I came out of the store without any alarms going off even though I had just passed through those doors with scanners on both sides. While trying to solve that puzzle, I realized that this was something to actually be excited about. I had successfully managed to get some really good quality $600 worth of stuff.... for free! I have shoplifted without even trying and all I need to do is walk away slowly, pretend nothing is out of the ordinary and this would be a great day.

As I became giddy at the sheer thought of getting free gifts in my hands, and began to thank my lucky stars, the good old conscience woke up just to ruin my moment of excitement, and triggered the back-and-forth pros and cons battle in my head which went something like this: This is stealing. No, it's not - it's called luck. You are not entitled to these goods without payment. I am not buying them for myself - these are gifts. What if you get caught, you will go to jail! No I won't. Relax, it's not that big of a deal. God is watching. Karma is a bitch. Don't do it.

It turned out that 'God' was trigger for me, otherwise I was determined to win this battle with my conscience. God was close to me and disappointing God was not exacttly the kind of thing I had in mind especially not during this time of the year. I sighed, I looked up and addressed God: I am going to turn around and pay for these items because I know it is the right thing to do and stealing is against my faith, but damn it, I better be rewarded for this!

So with a heavy heart I turned around knowing that I would regret it at some point later, I did it anyway because it was the right thing to do and if I did the right thing I would be rewarded, and that reward could potentially be much more than $600.

But the truth is, we don't do anything because it is the right thing to do. We do it out of fear or for a reward. We believe that we will get something out of it. For the people of faith, it's about fearing or pleasing God. For some it's about getting praise, for others it's about karma, yet for some others it's about impressing someone in particular, and there are a few who just do the right things to boost their ego - to make themselves feel better. But all of us are in some way doing the right thing, not because it is the right thing to do but because we are hoping for something better in return. I wonder if we can ever truly do something in this world without looking for something in return. We help a friend so that they will help us at some other point in our lives. We create networks to get ahead. We work hard to make more money. We love only to be loved. I wonder if "values" really is anything to us. Or perhaps it's just a word we use to mask our selfishness and sheer lack of any morality. We are almost always driven by ulterior motives. It's all about the profit and the gain - for us only.

As for me, I am still waiting for my reward of doing the "right thing."

Lovestruck Teenager.

2011-12-13T11:10:00.001-06:00

I feel as if I am a lovestruck teenage girl sitting in class writing for her most recent infatuation. If only that were true. A part of me misses the teenage crushes, when things were simpler and the attractions were shallow. You wanted to be with them because they looked cute or because they were popular. They wanted to be with you because you were pretty. The more unattainable they were, the more you wanted them. But somehow it was easier to get over them. A few months, another boy, find a new one for the prom, find another one for homecoming dance. It was easier to go from one to the other. You cried your eyes out, thought the world was coming to an end, ate a whole bucket of ice-cream and before you know it, another one came along, and the dreaming started all over.

But before you know it, it all becomes all too real - the emotions, the attractions, it all becomes too serious - and the real world welcomes you. Here the emotions are stronger, the pain deeper - it's real business. The gains and the losses are real and so is the heartache.

Across the Intersection.

2011-12-08T11:23:00.001-06:00

It is mid-afternoon. I come out of my apartment for a photo-walk. I want to take a photograph for you. As I come out, I notice that it is cloudy. I put my hands in my pockets and start walking. I walk two blocks, and realize that the air smells a little different now. The smell of apple cider, and cinnamon has been replaced with the smell of peppermint and freshly baked cookies. I stop for a moment in my steps to take it all in. It's not really cold. It feels like autumn but it smells like winter. I approach the intersection and there is a scene I see - a scene that could be captured so beautifully in a photograph.

I take my camera out to take a shot at it but decide against it when I hear the bell chimes of the Salvation Army lady standing in the corner asking for donations. I lean against a pole and stay there for a while. I see an elderly man sweeping the outside of his bakery with an old broom. He looks up to me and smiles. I smile back. A lady in high heels and a woolen dress hurriedly walks past me. She is continuously staring at her blackberry while walking and I hope to God she doesn't fall on her face with those heels. A giant commuter bus stops across the street from me to let an elderly lady come off. She is a stereotypical image of an old woman: wearing what looks like an Amish cap on her head and a long sleeved dress and flats on her feet. She limping but moving forward with the help of a cane. A huge bag in hanging from one of her shoulders - groceries, perhaps. She disappears from my sight as she turns around the corner on my right. I turn towards my left and a young couple turns around the corner on the street I am standing. They are walking with the woman holding the man's hand in both her hands. They look like they could be walking out of a Banana Republic photo shoot. As they approach closer, I hear them making dinner plans. How cute.

Two kids (not older than six or seven years) walk in my direction from across the street dragging a toy cart. It is full of leaves and stones, and some interesting looking twigs. Considering my love for leaves, I am almost tempted to stop them and ask to pick a few out. The mothers have dressed these kids in the cutest winter outfits even though the winter is not really here yet but the flu season is so I can imagine. I don't know where these kids are coming from and where they are going but their faces are gleaming as if they have found a treasure. Their shoes, however, tell the real story: they are muddy and wet. They have to be coming from the woods edge where I am pretty sure they are not allowed to be on their own. I hate to break it to them but these leaves in their cart are not going to be allowed indoors, especially when all the mothers are getting the houses ready for holidays. But they look so accomplished and prideful. I let them be, and just smile.

And here's what gives this scene a final touch: A few feet from me is a bearded old man in an old black suit and a hat. He puts his giant briefcase on the ground, brings his saxophone out and takes a long drawl at it, filling the otherwise quiet street with a haunting echo from that saxophone - warm and powerful. He makes me close my eyes, smell the air again and fill my senses with the jazz that is spreading ever so beautifully all around me.

You see, there are stories at every corner of the street. Stories we like to tell through photos and colors and words. I decided to paint this scene - with my words, this time. I figured that anyone can take a snapshot. Not everyone can tickle your imagination.

Yet Again.

2011-12-05T16:24:00.001-06:00

And there you go again. You are smiling a little more. You’re sad a little less. You are looking forward to another tomorrow. You are dressing up slightly more – nothing special, just a little more color than usual. Your thoughts not cloudy - the fog seems to be fading away. You are distracted but not really distracted. And your heart – it is slightly more energetic. It isn’t as if life is running through you, but it doesn't feel like it's being ripped apart either.

And there you go again. The sad songs don’t seem all that sad anymore. And the words flow slightly more easily than they did before. And you want to send some flowers somewhere. And you want someone to smile – nothing too special, just a little smile. And you know there is no always. But you know that it is still something.

So, there you go again.

Momentary Lapse of Reason.

2011-11-29T22:28:00.001-06:00

I suppose it isn't all that bad when you are dying with someone rather than without.

I Romanticize

Thank you.

2011-11-24T12:15:00.001-06:00

Without a doubt, just when I am about to lose all faith in humanity, someone comes and picks me up. Someone fights - someone fights for me - someone fights with me and not let me give up. That someone is almost always a stranger. While, I am not underestimating the love and kindness that my family and friends have shown me over the years, I cannot help but be struck by the kindness of total strangers some times. Over the years, their stories have shaped mine, their actions have affected my life whether they know it or not, and their kindness and has made me believe. Really believe. And without faith I would be nowhere today.

I know that with the kind of lives we lead today, all full of mayhem and chaos, it is very hard to be kind, and it is extremely hard to take out the time to be kind and generous towards someone who you have nothing to do with and will probably never see again. Ever. But some people are, and those some - however few they are - save the lives of some others, like me.

So, thank you, strangers and dear readers. You have made more of a difference than you know. Happy Thanksgiving.

Autumn Blessings.

2011-11-22T22:50:00.001-06:00

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love autumn so much. Can you ever find such beauty seemingly growing out of nowhere during any other time of the year? Such rawness, such delicacy, such wisdom. Delicious autumn!

Don't you see... this is the new beginning! Not the new year, not the summertime when the sun is bright as ever, not even the spring. This is the time when the true colors come out, when we find out who is the most resilient, the most tender and so brave even though it's so fragile. Look at these leaves, so raw, so brave, so full of life. I am in awe.

For more fall photos: I Romanticize

[7] Sunday

2011-11-20T22:03:00.001-06:00

What a Sunday it is. To feel pampered when I am broken, to get breakfast in bed (eggs, hash browns, pancakes, and orange juice to be exact), followed by a delicious cup of coffee. A pair of hands tucking me under blankets and pillows because I am bed-ridden for a few days. Medicine delivered on time after every few hours; light music to sooth my hurting head. A few books by the bedside to give me company for when I want to engage in some literature, and feed my fantasies. A few kisses on the cheeks and fingers caressing my hair from time to time. Warm, delicious hot chocolate in the afternoon. The newspaper read and discussed. Long distance phone calls on and off throughout the day. An Al Pacino movie in the evening. A slice of cheesecake for the lady to sum it all up. The feeling of the warmest, coziest bed at night. Sleepy little me.

Sometimes you break a leg, and the next thing you know, you are being spoiled. Sometimes, you need to break a leg in order to realize what you are blessed with, and how much you are really loved. We quickly lose sight of that. A sudden break from your daily life allows you to take a look at it in a whole new light. It forces you to think about what's really essential and what's completely useless. It summons your courage and that of your friends. I think once in a while, it's important to break a leg or an arm, or sprain an ankle, or bruise your head. But it's important to break something in order to heal, and to get some perspective on life, and love, and God.

I hope you had a wonderful weekend, too.

Baseball, Childhood, and Such.

2011-11-17T19:02:00.001-06:00

Baseball always reminds me of childhood: Playing catch with dad. Playing in the league. Tossing a ball with friends. Teaching my little nephew how to pitch. Being the hitter for the first time. Making a home run. Hitting someone on the head with the baseball bat. Hitting someone in the crotch with the baseball bat. Religiously going to watch the Red Sox. The feeling you get when you actually catch the ball. Pitching.

Such wonderful days were they. Everything was an adventure then. It was the time when winning the game was the biggest worry and the biggest joy. It was the time when training for it was a religion, the coach was the god and team mates were the people you would trust your life with. And now... now, I'd be lucky if I have time to catch a game on the T.V. If only I could be so oblivious again, to feel such joy without knowing it, mistaking it for laughter.

For More Photos: I Romanticize

The Welcome Notes

2011-11-14T23:36:00.001-06:00

Writers - they turn words into magic and mystery. They create a whole different universe for your pleasure. while making you think in ways you didn't imagine you could. They make you fall in love, encourage you to summon the courage you never thought you possessed and then they brutally break your heart. And it all starts with how they capture your heart in the first place - on the first page.

Following are a few opening lines that captured my heart [I couldn't put these books down after reading these lines] and I am hoping that they would capture yours as well.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair."
~Charles Dickens, "A Tale of Two Cities" 1859
---

"It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York. I'm stupid about executions. The idea of being electrocuted makes me sick, and that's all there was to read about in the papers -- goggle-eyed headlines staring up at me on every street corner and at the fusty, peanut-smelling mouth of every subway. It had nothing to do with me, but I couldn't help wondering what if would be like, being burned a live all along your nerves."
~Sylvia Plath, "The Bell Jar" 1963
---

"My name is Towner Whitney. No, that's not exactly true. My real name is Sophya. Never believe me. I lie all the time.
I am a crazy woman... That last part is true."
~Brunonia Barry, "The Lace Reader" 2009
---

'Who am I? and how, I wonder, will this story end?"
~Nicholas Sparks, "The Notebook" 1996
---

"Gestures are all that I have; sometimes they must be grand in nature. And while I occasionally step over the line and into the world of the melodramatic, it is what I must do in order to communicate effectively. In order to make my point without question."
~Garth Stein, "The Art of Racing in the Rain" 2009
---

"Who wouldn't be skeptical when a man claims to have spent an entire weekend with God, in a shack no less? And this was the shack."
~William P. Young, "The Shack" 2007
---

[I encourage you to share your favorite excerpts :-)]

Life is Funny [31]

2011-11-12T00:12:00.001-06:00

For your entertainment, following are a few conversations with the wonderful people in my life... :-)

"You guys! I just saw a shooting star! Oh my god! There it is again!"
-Emily, drunk and pointing at lightening bugs
---

E (while looking at a map): Where is Arkansas?
Raaji: You are looking at the map.
E: Yeah?
Raaji: That's Arkansas
E: Where is it on the map?
Raaji: You are looking at the map of Arkansas.
E: Oh.
---

"I can't handle my own mind. I can't turn me off!"
-Panicking
---

Alex: This is so hard, I need a drink to get through this.
Wes: I am bringing it to class. Nowhere in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Katie: That's what I've been saying for weeks!
-On consensus
---

"I was born on my birthday"
-Raaji, in an attempt to avoid answering the when-were-you-born question.
---

While playing scrabble,
Megan: Noon. Is that a word?
Raaji: Yes.
Megan *looking at the board*: But it's upside down!
---

"I know this is very complicated but do what you need to do to make this work. Take anger management classes, do drugs, take a few shots before you come in here or whatever you need to do to get through this semester."
-Law professor, on statistical regression.
---

On the phone...
Raaji: It is getting colder here. How is the weather there?
Steph: I don't think it has made up its mind as to what the hell it wants these days.
-on temperature fluctuations.
---

[For more Funny Quotes, click on the 'Funny Quotes" tab in the menu bar above]

Words, words, or I shall burst.

2011-11-08T23:19:00.000-06:00

Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst -
Words, words, or I shall burst.

Some word, they are lost - to translation, to emotion, to bad luck, to downright stupidity. These are the words so carefully crafted but never uttered.

Some words just don't make it out, for it is not their fate. They are meant to be written down but never to be shown, or seen, or cared for. All of that thoughtful emotion, all of that hard work, just useless. What a shame. Their fate is to burn alone or fly away into the unknown. These hidden gems remain buried, never to be found. Just like some of us, always lonely, always kept at a distance. Always just... fading.

[6] Sunday

2011-11-07T00:36:00.000-06:00

Today, I went leaf picking. I do this every year. During fall I go on evening strolls with my basket and pick leaves. Not berries, not flowers, not even apples, but leaves. I think these are the most beautiful things - the rusty golds, the reds, the greens, and the browns - layer after layer neatly placed on the ground or sticking to the trees. Some holding on to life a little longer while others embracing their new journeys while dancing with the winds. That's death and life, you see. Everything is so raw in them; their delicacy and tenderness tickle my heart.

Sometimes I come across neighbors and bystanders during my walks. They seem a little confused as to what I am doing. I tell them it is for an art project. It's true. It is for an art project. It's called the art of living, its called the art of learning from nature, it's the art of appreciating what life has to offer us, it's the art of acknowledging the beauty and in a way developing a taste for it too. It is the art few people master. It's the art of elegantly piecing it together - the art of staying happy. As for me, I think I am getting there, more and more every year, towards loving, and appreciating and finally mastering the art of life.

Here are a few photos from today:

For more photographs: As The Seasons Change

Autumn Longings

2011-11-03T12:03:00.001-05:00

This campus is strangely quiet now. Even when I try, I hear no sounds at all - not even the chirping of a bird or a rustle of a leaf. As I make my way back from the library, shortly after my morning class, I come across no human being. I know there are people in all these buildings that I am walking by, but I do not see anyone outside today. Today is a fine example of solitude. Living among 3, 500 people in this small campus, I am still alone. Not a word - not a sound - not a human in sight.

It's amazing how this is such a close community - we all share rooms, and dorms, and apartments - and we are still alone. We struggle to find the right kind of friends, the right kind of partners and if one of us is ever lucky enough to find that, the others make sure that it doesn't last.

Am I in the wrong place in the wrong time? I plug the ear phones my ears. Ironically it plays, Ay Ajanabi...

Ay Ajnabi, Tu bhi kabhi awaz de kahin se
Main yahan tukro'on mein jee raha hoon.

Wandering Stranger...
Hey stranger, why don't you call out for me too.
I am here, living in pieces.

Misguided Ghosts

2011-10-30T13:48:00.001-05:00

In the spirit of Halloween, I sat down with Kay to watch a spooky movie. We made our favorite hot chocolate and warmed ourselves with the old red comforter that smelled of college days, cinnamon and candle smoke. Like everyone else this weekend, I played my part for Halloween: I spooked myself out, wore something funky, carved a pumpkin and thought about ghosts and spirits and wondered if any existed around me or what would I do if I ever came across any, and it led me to question if I even believe in Ghosts.

That's the keyword here: believe. Do I believe? If so, how much?

In the increasingly skeptical society that we are living in, I still think people believe. People believe but they do not take responsibility for their beliefs. They create amazing wonders from their imagination but they do not trust their creations. We fill our darkness - our voids - with ghost, with gods, with science, with tales. We imagine, we believe; but we do not trust. We are all but misguided ghosts, just roaming around with a lot of beliefs but no convictions, with so much confidence but no faith.

[Another interpretation HERE]

Soul mates

2011-10-28T12:43:00.000-05:00

The Greeks had a very logical reason for the existence of a soul mate. They believed that humans initially had two heads, four arms and four legs. They were then cut into half as a consequence of some form of disobedience to the gods, thus creating the modern human, who was left to search for his or her other half - the soul mate.

A new age belief is that souls are made with a direct connection to one another, in pairs as they say, and it is the other pair of your soul, that is your ultimate soul mate.

In the life of every person, there is at least one person with whom we make a very deep connection. The connection at times is too deep, beyond our greatest and wildest dreams.

And my dreams - the deams in my mind, the ambition that fuels my ideas, the mischief that runs through my brain, the light that permeates my eyes, the invisible tickle that makes me smile....

It's all you.

Good Books

2011-10-25T22:30:00.000-05:00

I think we must read only the kind of books that wound or stab us. If the book we’re reading doesn’t wake us up with a blow to the head, what are we reading for? So that it will make us feel good? Good Lord, we would feel good precisely if we had no books, and the kind of books that make us feel good about ourselves are the kind we could write ourselves if we had to. But we need books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A good book shows us our obstacles and addictions – it breaks our hearts open so that new light can get in. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us.

The Waiting Game

2011-10-19T11:25:00.000-05:00

Every evening, I sit down and keep looking at the front gate through my window. It has become sort-of a ritual now. Grab a cup of coffee, open the window, sit down and wait. I wait for you to open the gate and walk through it like you always did. I wait for flowers and poetry, and childish giggles. I wait till the coffee cup is empty and it is too dark outside for the gate to be visible anymore. Then I get up, only to do it all over again the next day.

I wait for you everyday, but the truth is, there is no you and there is no walking in. There are no giggles and no poetry in the air. There is just the closed gate mocking me through the window.

Its funny how life operates - it amazes me, how it gives and takes all at the same time - during the same day, at the same moment, it gives someone so much happiness and takes every ounce of it from the other.

Empty Bottles

2011-10-17T20:55:00.004-05:00

What stories these old vintage bottles tell - stories of families, and kids, and parties, and sad people. They must have seen it all. They must have been filled, and emptied, and refilled again. They must have been rinsed, and cleaned, and tossed, and thrown away. They must have rolled on the grounds for miles. They must have helped people celebrate life and love.

These bottles are the survivors - those that lived to tell the tale. Those that didn't break when they were tossed away, those that shined a little more when cleaned and those that made the nicest clicking sounds over celebrations every time even though they knew they were going to be thrown out as soon as someone was done with them. And still, look how proudly they stand.

For More: I Romanticize

Life is Funny [30]

2011-10-14T12:45:00.000-05:00

For your entertainment, here are a few conversations with the wonderful people in my life... :-)

To an annoying co-worker: "You have the right to remain silent. You should exercise your rights as much as possible."
---

Oh my, she is actually capable of singing normal and sane songs!
-listening to paparazzi by Lady Gaga
---

During a party in Marriott, accidentally walks in the men's restroom and sees three guys...
Raaji: Oh, wrong one. Sorry!
One Guy: We don't mind :-)
---

Katie: Why do you like him? He is not even that cute.
Emily: "I’m attracted to him physically, not facially.
-good argument
---

One early morning meeting, Raaji is not a morning person, she is sitting in a corner having coffee....Alan: So, should we prceed without waiting for an answer from the appropriation committee then?
Raaji: huh? Caffeine loading, please wait.
---

Shaf: Can I have two pieces of cake?
Raaji: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
-on Dieting
---

Raaji: A logistical question for you: I have these pants that have a zipper, a button and a drawstring and I have recently discovered that they also have belt loops. It already takes me 5 minutes to get out of them. Why would someone add a belt?
Emily: Duuuude, they are the ultimate anti-sexual assault pants! Legit awesome
---

What? They have Braveheart and Gladiator on back to back? Now that's called good decision making.
-Cyril
---

“I can’t believe they took my license! Now if they catch me speeding I’ll REALLY be in trouble!”
---

[For more Funny Quotes, click on the 'Funny Quotes" tab in the menu bar above]

These Things

2011-10-12T12:43:00.000-05:00

The other day, I opened my laptop to show a friend something. As soon as she looked at the screen, she inquired about the desktop background I had. She found the photograph very beautiful and asked about who took it. Since I have had the same desktop background for God knows how long, it took me a moment to back up and think about where I got the photo from. After a moment's hesitation it came to me. It was taken by someone I had adored for the longest time - someone with whom things didn't work out. I told her so, but later it got me thinking. I realized that I look at this photograph so often but I don't really think of him anymore. He was the man I lived and breathed at one point. And years after, now, it was just a photograph, and fond memories whenever I do choose to go down the memory lane.

We hold things so special because of who we associate them with. At times places also hold the same meaning for us. But when we move on from that person, they become just that - things. These things don't serve as reminders or any memories unless we want them to. I am guilty of holding on to things for a long time now but the truth is, these things don't control me. I control them. I choose to remember people by them, or I choose to just indulge myself in their aesthetic pleasure without thinking about any memories associated with them.

Moving on from someone is probably the best thing that could happen to us. And we can move on when we want to. And when we don't move on it is because we don't want to. I know it is easier said than done but at the end of the day, it is, after all a choice. The pain of what we know is so much easier to hold on to than the happiness of what we do not know. We seek familiarity, we hold on to the things we know because too often we are too afraid of throwing ourselves out there and trying something new. The pain is too familiar.

Some lovers might take offense in this. They might say that love is sacred, that it is holy, that, whats the point of loving someone if you are going to dismiss them just because things didn't go well with them or they didn't love you back. I agree with you. Love is sacred and holy, but you do this sacred emotion a great injustice by wasting it on someone who does not need your love. Now that would be exploiting the holy emotion. Why would you feed someone who is already full? If you try to do so, they will not eat, they will probably throw it away or keep it for some other time - time that may never come. Now that is insulting love. Why wouldn't you go feed someone who is hungry - who has been starving for years? Wouldn't that be more fulfilling?

I am so glad that certain things around me are just things. My love is worth much more to be wasted on things.

[5] Sunday

2011-10-09T22:52:00.000-05:00

It's a Sunday in a small town. It's a crisp morning with the smell of cinnamon in the air. There is some sort of clarity that comes while living in a small town which just wouldn't come if you are in the city. The sun is shining bright and all I want to do is take a walk along the beach, make eye contact with the strangers, and grab coffee from the local bakery.

Some Sundays are like that. Peaceful and serene. Some mornings you wake up and somehow you have a better sense of yourself. You have figured some things out that you weren't really sure you would be able to. You had a few epiphanies in the wee hours of the morning which gave you a better sense of self. I think that's one of the most important but most underestimated things in today's life: Knowing your own self. You really can't do much if you don't know what you want out of it. You can't really expect anything from anyone unless you know what to expect from yourself. But it seems like we just don't have the time to reflect on ourselves. No time to figure out how our actions effect others or the world in general. We are just running. Running to God knows where. No wonder we are all messed up.

I am just thankful for a Sunday like today.

Sweet Sadness

2011-10-07T21:20:00.000-05:00

I am sad tonight. I am happy tonight.

I’m happy that someone could make me feel this sad. It tells me that I am human. It makes me feel alive. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. Life is a patchwork, you know - here and there, scraps of pleasure and despair joined together, hit or miss.

And love, as I have come to understand it, has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you.

So I suppose I have to take the good with the bad. Reminds me of what Sinatra ever so beautifully sang:

"But for someone you adore - it is a pleasure to be sad."

Old Friend

2011-10-04T21:23:00.000-05:00

Before you know it... it's time for the yellow and the green, slowly turning into brown. Before you know it, Fall is here. It kicks the treacherous summer out one day sometime after the midpoint of September. It stays awhile like an old friend who you have missed. It settles in the way an old friend will settle into your favorite chair, with a cup of coffee and fill the afternoon with stories of places he has been to and things he has done since he last saw you.

My old friend is here again.

Fireworks

2011-09-30T10:52:00.003-05:00

I remember the last time I was happy - truly happy.

It was when I took a silly photo of myself with curly wet hair with a green T-shirt on, one hand on my chin and eyes sparkling mischief. That photograph was a flicker. A flicker of happiness. It came too late and it ended too quickly. Just like fireworks. You anticipate them all evening, looking at the sky and when you almost give up hope, they shoot some and the whole sky turns into the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. But just when your eyes get used to the amazement and you begin to believe in magic, it leaves you with a dark night, and stench of smoke. Your head spins with the smell of the smoke and your eyes are still not accustomed to the dark yet so you can't even find your way back home.

It's like that. It's a wonderful idea. Your fantasy is perfect and everyone plays along but when it becomes real, it all goes away - just like the fireworks.

I hate fireworks.

Catch-22

2011-09-24T23:41:00.000-05:00

More often than I would like to admit, I have my random moments of sweet cravings. I am notorious for my sweet tooth and extremely stubborn when it comes to wanting the dessert that I want at the moment I want it. Let's just say I am having one of those moments right now. This time I want a snickers bar. No Cadbury or Hershey, or even Godiva would do. I try to not focus on the craving as I realize that I have a lot of work to finish before the end of the day today but soon give up realizing that no amount of work will keep me from not entertaining the idea of munching on yummy snickers. Its only snickers that I crave and I am pretty much willing to do whatever it takes to get it. I run down the hall to look into the vending machine if it contains any. My face lights up when I see that it indeed has has a chocolate bars. I run back to look into my wallet for some cash only realizing that I don't have any. Not even a dollar. Damn, the cab ride this morning! And damn me for forgetting to stop by the ATM to get some cash. I seldom keep any coins in my pursue as it almost always falls out anywhere it can. Yet, I look for some change. The snickers is for one dollar after all. I find two quarters, and two dimes. If only I had another quarter. Sigh.

Completely devastated, I give up. I turn towards my computer and halfheartedly start working again. But my mind is only focused on the snickers and is continuing to scheme various ways to get my hands on the it, with each scheme getting more desperate: May be I should ask someone if they have a quarter? May be I should walk 3 blocks and go to the ATM that I should have gone to earlier. Maybe, I should shake the vending machine and the snickers might miraculously fall down. Maybe I should break the lock and get into the vending machine and might just end up getting all the snicker bars in there? Oh, yum.

Realizing that the last option might get me into a lot more trouble than needed, I try not to actually entertain the idea but at this point I am ready to do just about anything to satisfy my craving. My love for snickers and the idea of it giving me intense joy is quickly turning into an obsession and I don't realize it even one bit. At this moment, I cannot imagine myself wanting anything any more. No amounts of delicious cakes and chocolates in the world would suffice. I am hungry and I am only hungry for snickers.

Lucky for me, before I go completely crazy, I realize that just the other day some change fell from my wallet into my bag (as usual) and I might be able to find something if I dig into my bag. Lo, and Behold! I actually find a quarter! Overwhelmingly happy, I run towards the vending machine while I am almost salivating for the snickers to touch my tongue. I hurriedly put the quarters in to get the bar out, but just before I press the button, something weird happens. My gaze hits a bag of potato chips in the vending machine. Immediately, the idea of munching on chips seems much more inviting than the idea of the chocolate bar. The deliciousness of the snickers that I could almost feel in my mouth just a few minutes ago begins to fade a bit as I try to ponder if going with the bag of chips would be a better idea. I didn't want the chips before I see them but now I want them. I know that snickers is my favorite but I still want chips because chips might just be better.

It turns out that all this time, I was not searching for something I love, I was searching for something better. I am not loyal to the snickers, I am only loyal to something that would make me feel happy and I am loyal to it only for the time that it makes me happy. I am selfish. I can't settle. There is always something better out there and that's what I want. Because somehow I have convinced myself that new tastes, and new things will make me happy, and who doesn't want to be happy? In the world full of so many options, the biggest challenge for us is to be satisfied with what we have or what we set out to get in the first place. We lose sight of our goal as soon as we see something even slightly more attractive and that is the cause of our demise. I could have easily gotten my snickers, enjoyed it as I intended and had a good time. Instead here I am, standing in front of the vending machine, with a frown on my forehead, trying to decide what would give me greater benefit. Greedy, I am. Tempted. So tempted. This world is so tempting. Sigh.

Halfheartedly, I press the button for not the snickers but the potato chips, because the snickers just won't do anymore. I know too much. I have seen something different and if I go with the snickers, I will always wonder what the chips taste like. If only I could have everything, but I can't because the cash is restricted and the time is limited. But I just can't be satisfied with what I love and because I choose not to be loyal, I never really will be satisfied with anything else either.

As I stoop down to pick up the small bag of potato chips, I see a packet of trail mix (dry-fruits/nuts etc.) in the bottom shelf of the vending machine, and immediately the chips in my hands hold no meaning at all.

Now the trail mix just has to be more delicious.

The Old Life

2011-09-21T13:05:00.000-05:00

"Everybody that went away suffered a broken heart.

'I'm coming back some day,' they all wrote. But never did.

The old life was too small to fit anymore."

Only the Fools Here

2011-09-16T14:25:00.000-05:00

We prefer to be so off balance on the rooftops as we watch the midnight fires burn down low, embers like heart coals that smolder out. I wanted to go to the moon when October ended because earth air was just too thick to be good.

"You were never consistent or aware when you were delirious, though you just assumed you were lucid, logical, precise. You were blind all the time."

I think you told me I wasn't real when I was only fourteen and I believed you. Pretty words, they are, like skylines tinged yellow and coated in silvered mist against red ripped skies and broken cirrus. Orion's belt is vivid tonight, like your breath. So cold on the windshield; we're shuddering in the frozen atmosphere and doing little to get warm. Too reserved, you keep yourself inside. I wanted you to know my hands and my toes, every little bend in my bones within your heart. To hold your sleep in my arms, to let you suffocate me in your smile.

With violent wings you invaded the border lines; we're always on the border lines. A cyclic, perpetual motion. Going through the form of life without actually managing to encompass what it wants to be. I suppose we talked to God that day in the mausoleum and swore our souls to the treetops, where the magic slices out so crisp and dead. It's so easy just to put this on repeat, like the children on my street that sing those jump rope songs, "Take your place, jump or lose, jump or lose, take your place." We used to hum those tunes when we stargazed past two a.m. with a little Sinatra in the background, like that night you stood up and wanted to fling yourself into the infinity of the darkness.

"Jump or lose... jump or lose."

Hello, Paris

2011-09-12T18:52:00.000-05:00

"If you are luckyenough to have lived in Paris while you are young, then wherever you go for therest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast."

— Ernest Hemingway

[Yes, I have missed you too. Thank you for all the kindness that you have shown. Really.]

Too Good to be True

2011-07-12T21:14:00.000-05:00

You know how we say, 'It is too good to be true?' How when something so wonderful happens that we can't help but thank our stars and feel so overwhelmed that we have to utter with joy: Oh, you are too good to be true!

But do you know what the actual, original phrase is? It's, "If it's too good to be true, then it probably is." I don't know why we take out the last half of the quote. We choose to focus on the half truth and not face the reality. Like I did. Perhaps, I didn't get the memo - I didn't realize that when someone is too good to be true, he probably isn't. I am a stupid girl who believed it when he said he loved me. I was the stupid girl who didn't see the heinousness behind those cute eyes I adored. I gave in, I fell hard, and was trapped in his spell that I couldn't look beyond him. I couldn't see what he was doing to me. I couldn't decipher his plan. I couldn't see how he would use the doll that I was and then throw me out in search of another prettier one. Perhaps because he liked blond dolls and I am dark haired. Perhaps because it was all a game for him - my emotions, my life, was nothing but a game to boast in front of others. Perhaps he thought that somehow he would be more of a man if he could conquer me. Perhaps because he always thought I was stupid while telling me how smart I was. Perhaps because I really am stupid.

If it is too good to be true, dear readers, it really is. Always, always remember that.

Life is Funny [29]

2011-07-06T20:40:00.002-05:00

For your entertainment, here are a few conversations with the wonderful people in my life... :-)

"Now you're thinking like a lawyer. Clients come to you and pay $400/hr to hear, 'possibly'!"
-Zeus to Me.
---

Really late one night...
Emily (pops her head through my door): We are going to Wal-Mart, you wanna come?
Raaji: At this time, Why?
Emily: We are bored so we're going to go to Wal-Mart, find something to do and then do it. Maybe a game, a craft, or possibly even a Wal-Mart employee.
-that is what happens when you live in the middle of nowhere
---

Shaf gulps ice-cream and inhales it at the same time and starts coughing...
Marvin: Breathe. In through the nose out through the mouth.
Shaf is still coughing....
Marvin: It’s that good? You are spreading it all around, eh? :-)
---

"It's just like English...only in Spanish."
-Meghan, explaining why anyone could pass the Spanish Exam
---

"So this is my little spiel about why you should care... in addition to the fact that, dammit! I control your grades."
-Political Science Professor, explaining why statistical regression is important
---

"The new puppy hasn't learned that the cats hate him yet. But I am not too worried about it, when he will get scratches all over his face, he will eventually get it."
- G, on pet cats & dogs in the same house
---

Raaji: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?
N : You have to be more specific. What time was it??
-oh dear.
---

"I just wish they would have a minus sign sometimes in chemistry equations"
-Nishi
---

About liberal arts majors: Engineer knows what she knows and knows what she doesn't know. We don't even know what we know and we don't know what we don't know, and what we do know we don't even know if we know.
-if you are in liberal arts, you will know what this means :-)
---

[For more Funny Quotes, click on the 'Funny Quotes" tab in the menu bar above]

Mourning of the Night

2011-06-24T22:30:00.000-05:00

Hello darkness, my old friend.
I have come to talk with you again.

Sing me a song of mourning, for I am long since deceased. This is the funeral of my heart, the ceremony of my demise. Bury me in your sorrow and drown me in the tears you have made me cry. Remember my name and my face, for I will be haunting you when you start to fade away within your mind.

Weep for me in your frustration and remember what was done. A fake smile to press my lips, you will never know. The sadness that is in my eyes, hides the sadness that is in my soul.

Now, we will lay here together, in our coffin of grieving. Chant away to the death song, cry out in vain. I will always hear you, but you won't hear me.

Loneliness

2011-06-16T19:29:00.002-05:00

I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You never know it but there are most likely tons of people feeling the exact same way.

Maybe because you are feeling completely abandoned. Maybe because you realized that you aren't as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know that you should have handled something differently. Or maybe because you aren't as good as you thought you were.

Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice; you can either wallow in self pity, or you can suck it up. It’s your call.

~Scrubs Season 1, Episode 23 - My Hero

Alone

2011-06-06T21:12:00.000-05:00

And it rains. Rains ice. The sun forgives us.
And it’s the end of it now.
And I smile.
And I smile in sadness.
And I try to fall asleep.
And this is how it always ends.
Alone.

I Romanticize

Life Happens

2011-06-03T13:10:00.000-05:00

Every time you leave someone behind or they decide to quit on you, things don't remain the same. There's always a change - sometimes a major change or sometimes just a minor one which you brush off. Whether you miss these people from your life or not, they change you in a certain way and then they come back to you in pieces, years after they are gone. Some come in dreams, others come in places, a few in songs here and there, and many on occasions and festivals.

Here is the interesting thing about life: It kicks you down, in fact it kicks you while you are down. It brutally bashes you and breaks your bones - one at a time - so that you do not miss out on the pain. Life is not a disaster, it is a slow torture. But just when you think that you cannot go on any longer, and life is convinced that you have given up, it brings you flowers and tend to your wounds and helps you get up on your feet only to knock you down some other time. At the end of it all, it is such a humbling experience.

Time & Again

2011-06-01T23:26:00.001-05:00

So here I am, another year older but not necessarily any wiser. Some things, you just don't learn because some things just don't change. Heartache, for instance, or disappointments. And I can't help but wonder if that’s how I am supposed to live. I have jumped another number, gathered a few more memories, but it’s still the same story, just a different man. I wonder if that’s what growing old is - becoming unhappier with each passing year. May be. Perhaps it is not about the heartaches we face but the repetition of them that makes it challenging to have faith. When we are younger, we go through terrible things but our young spirits help us make it through thinking that there is always another tomorrow, that we have our whole lives ahead of us and we’ll do just fine. But somehow it is hard to hold on to that belief as we grow old. We are running out of time and energy, and some times, the light. I am exhausted.

And this is how it always ends...
Alone.

Let Go

2011-05-24T23:23:00.000-05:00

"Was it hard?" she asked. "Letting go?"

"Yeah," I replied quietly, "but not as hard as holding on to something that was not real."

Here I Am.

2011-05-22T00:38:00.003-05:00

So, here I was, wearing an over-sized sweater sitting cross-legged on the carpet and holding a cup of spicy herbal tea I was trying for the first time. And here I was meeting his intense gaze from time to time while talking - speaking about things I hadn't talked about in a while, and some I hadn't spoken about at all before. Just little things. Important things. Sad things.

Here I was - slowly confessing: telling him about the scars on my back and my arm which he had already seen. Telling him the real reason behind why I wouldn't go swimming or why I hated eating rice. Here I was explaining to him why it was so important that I always wear heavy mascara or why I never style my hair away from my face.

Here I was, telling him about the wrongs that were done to me, and all the wrongs that I had done. All the people who were cruel and about the people I had been unfair towards. Here I was telling him all about my sins.

And there he was, looking at me as if I have saved his soul - as if I was the purest, most beautiful angel.

And there he was, falling in love with me.

A Hug

2011-05-16T22:08:00.000-05:00

When someone hugs you and tells you that everything is going to be alright, you know it quite well that they don't know what you are going through and their hug will not take the pain away. Once you are done hugging them and talking to them, they will conveniently go back to their own lives. But you will still be the one left there to face your fears alone and chances are, the nightmares will come again. So, telling someone that everything is going to be alright does not make it alright but just for a moment or two all the things that are going wrong don't seem all that wrong either. For just a moment or two, you feel better.

And sometimes that's all you need to face your fears and to actually make it alright - a hug.

Life Is Funny (28)

2011-05-09T14:41:00.005-05:00

For your entertainment, here are a few conversations with the wonderful people in my life... :-)

I can't even tell you how much little stuff I got from them. It's going to be like all our birthdays and Christmas all wrapped up together!
-Jenn, on getting new office supplies.
---

Hey guys, look we just did an awesome job of not dying!
-Sleighing down the hills with cafeteria trays!
---

About Raajii always making crazy plans...
Raajii: So what exactly is your height?
Marvin: 5'8. Why?
Raaji: Just wondering.
Marvin: What are you planning?
Raaji: Nothing.
Marvin: Ok, *pauses* I don’t like dark coffins...
---

"Dude I'm going to be 20! That's the oldest I have ever been!!"
-Angie, freaking out about her latest birthday.
---

Oh shit, this is not my apartment [runs away while Pooja and I stand in front of the door]
-Stephanie, on keying in the neighbor's apartment.
---

While crossing a road in London...
Lyndsay: Terry, don't argue with the car. The car will win - this is London!
---

In Anthropology class…
Professor: Well in third world countries they don't really use anesthesia - they put them in the state of trance and I think they tie them up and then chop the skin off
Cruz [loud enough for the whole class to hear]: JESUS!
-on Circumcision.
---

Prostitution is a problem in this country but you can be a slut - that is not illegal.
-Criminology professor, on Morality.
---

“Don’t look at me with that tone of voice!”
-Emily, just a little tipsy.
---

[For more Funny Quotes, click on the 'Funny Quotes" tab in the menu bar above]

2011-05-08T00:08:00.003-05:00

And at night I hear the raindrops fall on the window panes, applauding the quiet love we make.

For More: I Romanticize

[3] Sunday

2011-04-24T14:58:00.000-05:00

I only slept till 12:30pm today. Sometimes you think that if you sleep on something it might make more sense to you. But you are even more disoriented when you wake up. Even though I slept so much longer than normal I feel like I haven't slept at all. It's terrible.

I stayed in bed for another hour before I finally got up. Hunger was to blame for it, or I probably would have stayed under the covers for the rest of the day. After washing my face and grabbing last night's leftover wings, I opened the curtains of my room and the bright sunshine welcomed me. I am usually not a fan of the sun and I haven't seen it in a while because of the recent blizzard, but somehow it is pleasant to have that bright yellow ball back in my life.

And something absolutely wonderful arrived in the mail today - an old book, with a note that said, "I know I haven't been great to you in the past and I am willing to take the blame for everything but I totally blame you for putting me to read for leisure. I would have never found all these hidden treasures if it weren't for you. Thank you."

And just when you think that you are no good, that you might never make anyone happy, that no one might need you anymore, someone out there, somehow reminds you that you are still capable of making a difference.

We just have to hold on to that belief. Because YOU are capable of making a difference, and YOU are special.

Oh, Happiness

2011-04-21T11:23:00.001-05:00

The question is not if you can do something with someone. Sure, you can almost always find something to do with anyone but the question is if you can do nothing with someone.

All our lives, we try to fill our time and mind with meaningless some things. We believe that if we could fill that void with something, we will be happier. But its not about the something. True happiness comes when you can sit with someone and do absolutely nothing, and not feel like you have to. Happiness is when you don't feel awkward about it, when you don’t have to continuously please someone to get their attention or get their affection because they are already pleased just because you are in the room. Happiness is when you don’t have to plan every single evening. Happiness is when you can be spontaneous, and you can only be spontaneous when you don't fear that you're going to be judged for being silly or downright crazy.

Happiness is simple. Its not what they make it out to be. Happiness is not in expensive gifts and restaurants and crazy amounts of work. Happiness is in holding hands and knowing that you can hold that hand. Happiness is sitting in a hot-dog joint and wiping mustard off of each others collars. Happiness is when someone kisses your hands - if you haven't tried it, try it. You'll know what I mean.

Some people don’t get it, but happiness really is simple.

Next To Me

2011-04-17T21:15:00.000-05:00

I want you right here - right next to me.

For More: I Romanticize

Old Books

2011-04-10T19:38:00.000-05:00

Old, Old songs,
Even older books.
Your head on my chest,
My hands in your hair.
Blissful Serenity.

For more: I Romanticize

In Retrospect

2011-04-07T11:52:00.002-05:00

Believe me, dear readers, please believe me when I say this: sometimes we really are running after the wrong things - chasing the wrong men and women totally convinced that they are the right ones for us. No matter what they say, or how they try to assure us otherwise, we still believe that what we are doing is right. Believe me when I say that we are stubborn and this stubbornness is the cause of our demise.

It is so hard to let go of our control. We think we know what is right. We think that the people we are running after are the people we are meant to be with - that there is nothing better than them. Its so extremely difficult to let go of that control, and be patient with life, believe in a higher power and let the universe decide once in a while.

I am guilty of all of this. I think I know what’s best for me. I think I know the people I want to associate myself with. I think I know who I should be romantically involved with and who I shouldn’t. But the truth is, I have very limited knowledge of all of these things.

I kept running after the wrong men, when the right one was there all along, and I almost screwed it up. I was so convinced that I wouldn't be happier with any other man than the one I was chasing. I was so sure of myself, until I crashed. The biggest challenge in life is to let go. Its when you let go, you are able to see what the universe has in store for you. We don’t even give the universe a chance - because we think we have it all figured out. Total bullshit.

Please look around you. Please look and see the people who are looking at you. Please don’t be so convinced that you know what is right. Believe. Have faith. Give people a chance. Don’t make the mistake I made. Please. You deserve to be happy.

Life is Funny (27)

2011-03-23T15:44:00.000-05:00

For your entertainment, here are a few conversations with the wonderful people who are a part of my life... :-)

I am from here. I speak three languages: English, bad English, and profanity.
-W, during a conversation about languages.
---

Emily: needs to learn how to respond to a bitchy co-worker in German...any tips?
Mark: Middle finger?
---

While preparing for an interview:
“So after the interview, I will ask them about my price... Oh I mean my salary.”
-Marvin, Keeping it real
---

"Hey, do you guys smell that? It smells like burnt fire!!"
-Emily, on flame redundant situations
---

"I LOVE honey nut cheerios, I could eat them all day all night and whenever. Boys need to taste like honey nut cheerios.”
-Sera, while eating honey nut cheerios straight out of the box.
---

Terry: I have a whole honey dew in my room chilling for three weeks.
Jeremy: Oh, its probably alcoholic by now.
---

So this is my little spiel about why you should care... in addition to the fact that, dammit! I control your grades
-Poli Sci Professor, explaining why statistical regression is important.
---

[For more Funny Quotes, click on the 'Funny Quotes" tab in the menu bar above]

23

2011-03-20T11:04:00.001-05:00

So here I am, another year older, and somehow inspired today in ways that I have not been in a long time. Just when you think that things can't get any better, they actually do - believe me. And it boggles with your mind because it is too good and you don’t want to mess it up so you keep pretending that nothing changed. But the truth is, things change in an instant: 60 second phone call, one harsh comment, one tender kiss, one silly mistake... and nothing remains the same. The how and why is beyond me. Change is the greatest mysteries of life.

In one day, you shift a number and all of sudden you are not the same anymore. You are not in the category you were the day before. You are not the kid you still feel like you are, and you are never going to go back to that feeling again.

Its all a game of numbers: how old, how many times, how long, how often, how much. And that’s how life works. You get your numbers right and everything aligns perfectly. You miss one digit and its complete chaos.

Sigh. Here’s to another number that will change soon enough.

World to Come

2011-03-14T23:15:00.003-05:00

I arrived twenty minutes early so I walked into the Starbucks on the corner of Lake & Jefferson street to kill some time. As I got myself a hot mocha, I saw a group of South Asian guys sitting in one corner chatting happily. It seemed as if they were out on a lunch break or something. As most South Asian men would, they took a moment to notice me before they went back to talking to each other. I made my way across the room from them and found a single seat by the glass wall.

Once I settled, I took in the grandiose structure of the silver building across the street from me. This was where I was supposed to go and this was where the complete strangers in suits and ties would decide what my future was going to look like. They were going to decide if I were to come to this Starbucks often from then onwards or if this was my last time in this part of the town. They would decide if these streets were going to be my frequent walkways or just random streets that I probably would never come back to. Its funny and scary how sometimes God puts your fate in complete strangers’ hands.

While we are growing up, our parents keep telling us that we could be anything, have anything and do anything. But the truth is, that growing up in nothing more than just figuring out what doors haven’t slammed on our faces yet. So we are eager to grow up, to finish the education, get out of college until we hit a big fat wall of reality. As it turns out, we usually can’t have the things we want. We don’t get to be pretty, or smart or loved only because we want it. We don’t always control our destiny.

But then again, if we want it badly enough, I thought.

And how will I ever know until I get in there and push hard enough? Our biggest fear is not that we are not capable of doing something but that we are so capable that we might not be able to handle it once we get it. It is our courage and not the cowardice that frightens us. We tend to focus on who we are not more than who we are. But the truth is, we are all meant to shine.

With that thought I smiled, threw my half empty coffee cup in the trash can. Eased the crease on my sleek black skirt, and walked towards that building to find out how badly I really wanted it. And if those strangers would really be able to keep it from me if I wanted it badly enough.

2011-03-09T22:18:00.002-06:00

"And I want to know what makes your world go round..."

For More: I ROMANTICIZE

Nearly Lost

2011-03-02T10:35:00.000-06:00

I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I never asked for it to begin. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets.

Bad Day

2011-02-27T19:54:00.001-06:00

I was having a bad day. A very bad one. Something really precious was slipping out of my hands and no matter what I did, I wasn't able to put it back together.
With a heavy heart I made my way to the cafe to grab a sandwich. I eat when I am depressed. I absentmindedly stood in line and on my turn, placed an order for a sandwich of the first thing that came to my mind.

It was then when I noticed the guy behind the counter looking quite sad and edgy at the same time. It looked like he was having as bad of a day as I was. As I waited I continued observing his words, his actions - they all spoke of sadness. I sighed. He was clumsy a couple of times too while making sandwiches, and that would frustrate him even more.

When he finally spilled mayonnaise, and was about to yell, I instinctively reached up to him and said, "We all have days like this. Its alright."

He looked up to me for a moment, and I smiled at him, while I saw his lips curling into a weak smile as well.

"You've got a lovely smile there Miss," he finally spoke.

"Thank you, tomorrow will be better, you know," I replied.

And I saw his facial expressions calmed all of a sudden. He smiled again, and his eyes dilated, his hunched shoulders relaxed. I almost felt good about myself at that moment.

I waited for him to finish making my sandwich. He quietly put it together and while handing it to me, he looked at me and said, "Thanks, I needed that."

I gave him my best smile and as I turned around, I realized that sometimes in order to heal yourself you need to reach out to someone else.

Faith

2011-02-21T22:48:00.000-06:00

"At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away."

Unpredictability

2011-02-16T22:21:00.001-06:00

We think that we have it all figured out, and all under control. But the truth is, we don't know jack. When we wake up each morning, we have no idea who's arms we are going to end up in at night, how many snowflakes we are going to catch, and who is going to leave us eternally before the day is through.

I took this photograph without knowing how my day would end and it ended in unexpected ways. It was snowing magic that day. I will always remember this photograph, because it reminded me of life - the way it keeps changing and the way you cannot rely on it.

And Love – the way it is so unpredictable and dynamic. Perhaps that’s what makes it so great.

[1] Funny Valentine

2011-02-12T20:29:00.000-06:00

Love, when sprinkled with some humor is the best treat.

Following are moments in time - said, said to, overheard, told in stories, recalled during drunken moments, and teased about. Needless to say, X is a woman and Y is a man -- I have to maintain their privacy :-).

Y: Its not fair. It is not fair. It is so not fair.
X: What?
Y: That smile.
You cant just smile at me like that. Then I have to say yes! Not cool missy!
---

Y: I was thinking you just dont talk while making love.
X: Yes, you are right, mostly I dont. My mouth has better things to do.
---

Y: But you are my sweetheart, you are the cherry on my strawberry cake...oh sorry, cherry is an inappropriate word.
---

X: Wow.... this was a good kiss!
Y: What are you trying to say about all the other ones?
---

X1: What are you doing for Valentines day?
X2: You mean, besides him? (looking at her boyfriend)
---

X: In bed I can be quite mischievous, especially with the men I really like... wait... that did not come out right.
Y: No, it didnt... I really hope you are only with the man you *really* like :P
---

Y1: So did you ever work up the nerve to talk to that girl?
Y2: Yeah, one time she sneezed and I said 'God bless you.'
---

X to Y: Alright, alright. I will kill you softly. Oh, I mean kiss you softly.
---

Talking to her two male friends...
Raaji: I don't know how people have the guts to cheat on their partners. I mean, why can't they just break up first before they go on to pursue their new love interests. I can only do one man at a time.
*they stare*
Raaji: Oh, that did not sound right.
Rob: Gee Raaji. Who are you doing these days?
Matt: Raaji is doing someone!
*both high five*
Raaji: I did not mean it that way!

but of course it was too late for that....
---

:-)

Half & Half

2011-02-08T22:33:00.004-06:00

We can always find people who will look at this glass and say that it is half full and people who will say that it is half empty and that is how we have defined the two types of people. But are there really two types?

I have learned that the world is so much more complex and it belongs to people who look at it and say, What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass! Who's been stealing my water?

And people who will take their glass and pour water out of it into the half full or half empty glasses just to alley those who are dissatisfied with their glasses, and those who will start looking for someone who might be thirsty to give them their half-full or half-empty glass.

And then there are also people in the world who have a broken glass, or a glass that has been carelessly knocked over, and the people who have no glass at all.

I wish life was always about Half-Empty or Half-Full but we are so much more complex than that. For better or for worse, people around me always surprise me with the things they do and the way they look at the world, and I suppose that's what makes it interesting-- our constant desire to figure out the mysteries of the universe or the mysteries of our own selves.

[2] Sunday

2011-02-06T18:10:00.001-06:00

It has been snowing a lot lately. The sun came out briefly yesterday but it is snowing again today. I woke up to the flurry flakes gently settling on my window pane. I stayed in bed for the longest time watching them so peacefully covering everything outside. You know, these snowflakes, they don't discriminate. They touch anything and everything with their tenderness. It makes me long for an embrace, a gentle caress and a morning smile.

This is a photo of the view from my window. I couldn't catch all the snowflakes, but you can see some. It is beautiful.

Today is a perfect day for day dreaming, curling up with a cup of coffee, and watching life pass by me. Have you noticed that snow is nature's only phenomenon which in addition to being extremely beautiful actually forces you to stop and look at it? It is all around you and comes in your way so you have to acknowledge it. In a way, snow is nature's way of letting you know that you should give yourself a break, that you deserve a break and the beauty in life no matter how many times you are dumped and rejected and felt like you were no-good. There are signs all around for those who are willing to see.

[I posted more photos of the snowfall during the past week on I Romanticize ]

The Stranger In Waiting.

2011-02-03T22:24:00.005-06:00

Here is a confession: I have a certain fascination with strangers. I can't help but notice them and look at them for a little while longer before I move on. I wonder about their lives - in fact, I romanticize their lives, thinking where they might be heading towards, what they might be thinking, whether they are alone or if they have someone at home waiting for them - ready to embrace them. Everyday when I walk back home from work with many strange faces, I wonder if they had a good day or if it was awful for them. I wonder if they are in love or if they are going to a date from work or perhaps meeting up with friends who care really about them. But most of all I wonder how things will change in their lives if we were to talk and get to know each other. Would it make a difference?

Here, in this photo, I was wondering what book he was reading, and I had a strong urge to go and ask him but I was too far away from him to do that. He seemed so into it and so peaceful sitting in the sun, lost in his book. I hope he was happy.

The guy in the photo is just a stranger like all the rest of us. But you know, sometimes we encounter people, perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken. I came across a certain someone like that recently, and now I have a strong desire to frame his photograph and put it in my room. I really like him. But that would be creepy, right? Really creepy. Yeah, no. :-)

Oh, Stranger.

Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of —

2011-02-01T22:04:00.000-06:00

Relationships don't work the way they do on television or the end of the movies. Throughout the movie we are wondering if they will or if they won’t and then they finally do and they are happy forever. Please give me a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with and the ones that get married, get divorced anyway and I am telling you right now that through all this stuff I have not become a cynic - I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care. Because I do, believe in it. Bottom line is that the couples who are truly right for each other go through the same crap that everybody else does but the difference is that they don't let it take them down. One of those two people would stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If its right and they are real lucky, one of them will say something.

I have always been sure about everything in my life. I was sure of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be with. I had a plan for everything. I used to think that if I had a plan, things will eventually fall into place. But the truth is, you cannot plan for others, and others don’t necessarily fall into your plans either. Your partner will not always act the way you want him to, he might not do the things you expect him to, he might screw up once in a while and really push your limits. But love, as I have come to understand, is not about how much time and attention you give each other on a daily basis, but its about the decision of caring for the other no matter how you feel, and if there is anything I have learned, it is that when relationships are right, they are easy. Even when things are hard, they are easy.

At the end of the day, your heart knows exactly who and what it wants.

[1] Sunday

2011-01-30T23:35:00.000-06:00

Today is a good day.

The more it gets cold outside, the more I love it to be cozy inside: lots of pillows, some framed photos, nice lighting, many books, and a lovely cup of coffee.

Everything is so sad, and so beautiful.

And I've been daydreaming lately – about picnics on the beach, flower hair-bands, ice-creams, and golden sunlight. While sipping my special blend of coffee, I tell myself that my time is just around the corner – that all the wrongs will turn into right very soon and I will smile from my heart.

Some Sundays it all feels like a load of crap, while on other days I convince my tiny heart to smile briefly.

Today is one of those days.

Today is a good day.

The Kid In You.

2011-01-26T23:04:00.006-06:00

We should never let go of the kid inside of us. Because, you see, it is the kid inside of us that keeps us from going crazy.

The Point.

2011-01-22T00:38:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, I think we’ve got it all wrong. What if the point of life is not what we think it is? What if it is not about the job we take, the money we make, the company we keep, the clothes we wear. What if the things we are running after are really the things we shouldn't be running after? Perhaps we are all running in the wrong direction. All our lives – chasing the wrong things. What if life is not about control and gain? What if the point is not to stay away from all those people, places and emotions that we so needlessly fear? What if the point is to actually let go of that control?

What if the primary reason for existence is to lay down with your lover naked under a shady tree? What if the point is to taste each other's sweat and feel the fingers gently pressing on the back, thigh on thigh, lip on cheek? And what if during those kisses, the point is to stop for a moment and see the sun setting, the fireflies twinkling, and look at your lover's face to see the rustling leaves while feeling the breeze? What if the point is to include these beauties of the world in your life and share it with your lover? What if the point all along has been to get along, to relate, to experience things on their own terms? What if the point is to feel the joy when happy, love when loving, anger when angry, thoughtful when full of thought? What if the point from the beginning has been to simply experience and... be?

[2] My Sister Says...

2011-01-19T10:57:00.000-06:00

I have a little sister. She is 12 now, and she follows me around whenever she can. She says the best things, and I love her sense of humor. Here are a few random conversations with my dear little angel.

[for reference, she calls me "Appa" = Big Sister]

Dropping her off for soccer practice…

Raaji: When should I pick you up?
Sister: When I am done.
---

In Wal-Mart parking lot…

Raaji: If you do not start behaving right now, I WILL leave you here.
Sister: No, you can’t leave me here now. I can’t walk home; I am not wearing the right shoes.
---

Giving mom a tray with Omelette and Juice…(breakfast in bed)
Sister: Mom this is for you. I made it for you.
Raaji (sarcastically): Yeah, right.
Sister: No, really, I made it! Appa just made sure I don’t burn the house down.
---

Raaji (to mom): Mom, I got her some good books to read. They are due in two weeks, could you please take her back to the library then?
Sister: Yes, mom Appa got me books, and they are evil books. Pure evil books. One of them is called to KILL a mockingbird!
---

One quiet evening...
Sister: Appa, remember the time we used to cuddle together and watch Disney movies?
Raaji: Yes
Sister: Why did you have to grow up and ruin that?
----

More Here

:-)

2011-01-15T23:38:00.005-06:00

I think that I am waiting. Waiting for something - someone - to happen. It is not as if I am waiting for someone to come and change my life drastically, or to be my savior, or fill a void in my heart. No, its none of these things because I know that I am capable of change, there is no need for saving and I am not haunted by any emptiness. It is not as if something is lacking or missing - my cup is full.

The truth is, I am always producing and hoarding more love inside me, but there is no release. I want it to flow now. I want that over whelming feeling of joy - that which I would not have to contain. But my cup is not brimming. It is as if I am there but I am not quite there yet. There's nothing worse than waiting and not knowing what'll happen to you. Your own imagination can be crueler than any captor.

Snow This Morning...

2011-01-12T21:17:00.004-06:00

You know how we all have those people in our lives who seem kinda nice but we are almost always skeptical about them because we don't really know why they are there. Are they supposed to really serve a purpose or are they just there to be a hindrance. We judge them too quickly, we push them out too soon. Now that's pretty much how I feel towards snow. Walking on this path this morning, all I could think about, with a grumpy face, was how messy, slippery and harsh it is.

But then, all of a sudden, a snowflake quietly came and settled on my nose. It felt like a kiss.

Hello.

2011-01-09T23:44:00.003-06:00

On my way back from work, I walk by quite a few houses in this old Midwest neighborhood before I get to my own place. There is something about these houses in this neighborhood that I haven't seen in city neighborhoods before. Perhaps it is the porch and the steps leading to that porch that makes them more welcoming than the suburban houses, or perhaps it is their wooden frames that make them appear comfy.

I can still see the remnants of Christmas decorations around the porch and the roofs even though it is all quiet now. Life has come back to normal and the cold has settled in silencing everything around it. Sometimes when I walk by, I get a peak of a family having dinner in the kitchen, and sometimes I can tell by the flickering lights that someone is watching TV in the lounge. Sometimes, a dog would peek from the front windows and wag its tail.

I wonder about these people’s lives - whether they are lonely or if they have families. I wonder how many people would be having dinner alone at night behind these wooden frames or how many kids are going to bed angry, and I even wonder how many couples would be making love in their comfy homes. I wonder if I knock on a door, or if I smile at someone sitting at the porch, would I make a friend? I wonder if I will make a difference in their lives or if I will ever know them.

There could very well be a new best friend, or perhaps a lover hiding behind a door. I wonder when I will cross that line between strangers and friends. And I know I will at some point with some of them because the truth is, even though we are all alone and strangers, we are still connected to each other. We can no more separate one life from another than we can separate a breeze from the wind. I smile every evening when I look at these houses, because I know these houses would be familiar places at some point. It is just a matter of “hello” :-)

Guardians

2011-01-06T22:40:00.000-06:00

Everyone has a guardian angel - one who quietly sneaks into your life, puts your pieces together when they have fallen everywhere and give them back to you - all in the right order.

And then they sneak out without you even realizing it, only to come back again to fix those pieces. Ah, what would we do without those angels.

I wish your guardian angel stays close to you throughout 2011. Happy Happy year, dear readers.

Winter Landscapes

2011-01-03T22:31:00.000-06:00

When you wither, let me hold you. Don't turn away to smother that cigar, you can grind that glowing ember into my skin. Sometimes we forget to breathe, but I'd steal the air to fill your lungs. Silk sheets and feather pillow scenery will never bore me, as long as your skin is the accent - tinkling wind chimes played by fairies to compliment each gasp, each sigh.

Your black tie is too stiff, my charcoal dress is too soft. We committed the ultimate irony on that day; when our hands were too hot to hold and the sweat dripped a river. I wanted to lay down in those flowers and kiss each of your petals till the wilting stopped. We should have had spring, instead you chose winter.

Your brush grew stale and the fibers snapped with each stroke. I tried to guide your trembling hand and pull your lip from your teeth, but the still-life fallacy had to be drawn. Even winter landscapes change, no matter how much water you use. Perhaps one day we'll dream under my collage of wind chime tinkling and flowers from the meadow.

First Sunshine

2011-01-01T20:36:00.005-06:00

This is my first sunshine of 2011, and the first photograph I took this year standing in my pajamas outside my door while freezing Midwest winds gushed at me with the speed of 35mph, and on top of it all, I ended up locking myself out. I could not feel my face, hands or feet once I finally got myself back in but this sunshine was worth it :-)

The truth is, we have little idea of how lucky we are to be able to start all over again - to get a second chance, and see another year's sun.

Turning Point

2010-12-31T01:48:00.004-06:00

And another one bites the dust. We are one year older, one year wiser and one year uglier than we were last year.

This was an important year. More important than I had imagined earlier. I did so much. I broke my heart twice. I failed and succeed. I wrote obsessively. I scored. I prayed. I hated. I traveled. I got hired. I quit. I infatuated myself with a stranger. I left friends behind. I moved to strange lands. I experimented with my sanity. I gave up on forever.

Would I do it all over again if I get a chance? Probably not. Some seasons should never come back and this was one of those seasons.

But I've learned a lot this year. I learned that things don't always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should, and it is not necessarily a bad thing. And I've learned that there are things that go wrong that don't always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I've learned that good people also hurt you - no matter how good they are, at some point they are bound to hurt you too and its alright. I've learned that relationships are fickle. They should not be measured by how long you have known someone, but how deeply you have cared. And if you have truly cared for someone even for a minute, it is worth the thousand lives you are going to live without them. I've learned that some broken things stay broken, and I've learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, even when you don't have people who love you.

And now I stand here in this strange city, in this awful weather, trying to find a direction. There are no familiar faces around to guide me, no matter how hard I try to look for them, but I know why that is. They are not supposed to be here. Its my time to get up myself and figure it out. Otherwise I will never learn.

But the good news is that once I get up and put myself together, work up the courage to turn the corner of the street I had been looking at for such a long time now, I will bump into a stranger, we will smile at each other and somehow all will be well again. Its only a matter of getting up and turning around that corner. I know I'm still a little bent, a little crooked, but I can't complain. After bearing through all kinds of abuses this year and crashing into dead ends and living through overdoses, I feel better now than I did five years ago. I might have some scar tissue, but that's alright, I'm still making progress. I hope you are too.

So, here's to another year of kicking and struggling and loving, and working up the nerve to take that turn and find out what's around that corner.

Magic

2010-12-28T20:46:00.001-06:00

I hope this year's holidays bring Magic your way! :-)

[View large here]

The Good & Bad.

2010-12-25T23:39:00.003-06:00

A 6-year-old knocked on Santa's door a little after midnight.

She asked the elf who answered the door that she needs to see Santa immediately. When the elf told her that Santa was asleep, the girl insisted that he needs to wake him up because it was about her bike. The girl was upset but she looked so cute upset. Seeing that, the elf smiled and seated her in the living room while he went to get Santa.

Santa came downstairs after a little while, still sleepy and rubbing his eyes.

The little girl looked at him and crossed her arms. Upon seeing that she was annoyed, Santa sat down, smiled and asked her what was wrong.

"I wished for a bike. You never gave me a bike," she said.

"Oh," replied Santa. "Did you ask for a bike?"

"Yes," she replied.

"What did you get instead?" he asked.

"A Doll."

"Hmm, well lets see that must be a mistake," Santa got up to look at his list.

"What is your name little lady?" He asked.

"Patsy Quinn," she replied.

"Hmm, Patsy Quinn," Santa repeated while going through his list.

The little girl looked at Santa intensely hoping that he would find her name and tell her that he will get her the bike she wished for.

"Yep, there it is," Santa finally spoke, "Pasty Quinn - who wants a pink bike."

"Yes! Yes!," she replied.

"But there is a reason why the Bike wasn't delivered to you," said Santa.

He paused for a moment then asked,

"Have you been a good girl or a bad girl?"

The excitement on her face grew into guilt.

"Umm... well.... its not like that...," she mumbled.

"Have you been a good girl or a bad girl?" he repeated.

She couldn't reply, or it looked like she did not want to answer the question.

"Everyone has to answer this question some time in their lives, dear child," Santa said softly.

She looked up to Santa. She wanted to say something but she couldn't.

"Its alright, you can take your time. But you have to answer that question to yourself and the sooner you do it, the sooner you will know why particular things happen to you in your life."

"Hmm... I see," replied the girl. She got up to leave.

Santa watched her leave and didn't say anything. But as she was about to get out of the door, he said,

"Patsy... Think about it, but know that Santa believes in second chances."

She looked back at him and smiled.

Life is Funny (26)

2010-12-21T20:55:00.000-06:00

For your entertainment, here are a few conversations with the wonderful people who are a part of my life... :-)

“It is pressure sensitive. Try not to touch it. It gets confused. Technology.”
-Customer service lady at Macy's trying to explain how to use the pin pad.
----

"Look, you dont have to wear anything you are not comfortable wearing. For all I care, you can wear nothing...
Oh, I mean... you know... I mean nothing that you don't like... I mean... crap!"
-Marvin to Raaji - on the appropriate attire for the party.
---

"You dont understand. I have a relationship with my phone, we have a chemistry together, I cant explain it"
-Raaji, about her dieing phone.
---

“Why did this office not come with a Margarita machine?”
-during an overworked week
---

Lyndsay (White-American): I was told by facebook that I would be the second person to die in a horror movie.
Terry (African American): Thats because you are not black.
---

When asked a friend who went to Paris...
"Eiffel Tower? it looked better on google earth.
---

The curse of the computer scientist is to be off by one; an engineer can be off by ten percent, but we're screwed,
-Prof P.
----

"I'd mate with that."
- Emily upon seeing a white peacock at the zoo

----

[For more, click on the 'Funny Quotes" tab in the menu bar above :-)]

Touch Me.

2010-12-16T21:00:00.005-06:00

I was flying with U.S. Airways for third time in a month to go to yet another site for work. I was working around the clock and hadn't seen family or friends in a while.

I was extremely tired from the lack of sleep and stress of work that as the flight took off, I found myself dozing off a bit. I knew I wouldn't sleep but I was too tired to keep my eyes open. There was an older gentleman sitting right next to me. He could easily be my grandfather's age. We talked a bit before the flight took off - cursed the rising cost of the airlines and mused about our mutual frequent destinations before I gave up and closed my eyes.

I shifted in my uncomfortable seat in an attempt to comfort myself. And my arm touched the side of his arm. He was busy reading a newspaper. I imagined he would move his arm since I was too tired to move my own but he didn't. Usually people do - Americans are not very comfortable with the idea of touching strangers.
After a little while I started to feel the warmth of his arm against mine and it was an oddly comforting. I realized I hadn't touched someone - anyone - in a while.

I suppose that's how life is like when your family abandons you, your lover betrays you and your job drives you nuts. I suppose that's how people feel when they live out of hotels, start their day at one airport and end it at another. I am one of the many faceless people in that crowd. Real world.

I suppose it is the human touch that makes things alright. People forget what you say, they forget who you were. What they don't forget is how you made them feel - how you touched them.

I am your friend. Please touch me. Nothing lets me know you care like a warm embrace. A healing touch when I am depressed assures me that I am loved. And assures me that I am not alone. Yours might be the only comforting touch I get.

Cold Hearts

2010-12-05T21:10:00.002-06:00

Here is the thing about snow: you never know when it is going to really arrive, how long it will stay and with how much intensity, how beautiful it will look or how difficult it will make your life for the rest of the winter, and most of all, you don't know when it will leave. You don't know when you will see your last snow of the season before it would all vanish.

Last year, I was here, right by my favorite bench. This was the first snow last year captured while carrying a heavy bag in one hand and balancing the umbrella with the other. And today when this year's first snow hit, I was standing in 8 inches of it hundreds of miles away from this bench. I realized that the night before I had cut my last real connection to this place. It is amazing how drastically life changes in a matter of days or even minutes. You are kicked out of the place you called home and the people you called your own change their minds from wanting you all the time to never having anything to do with you. You never know when would end up being the last time you kiss them or hold them or even see them. You'd think things would be the same, and you would get plenty of time to see them but they get up one day, change their minds, and leave... just like that.

Everything betrays you, even the snow.

-----

For More: I ROMANTICIZE

Life is Funny (25)

2010-11-20T00:22:00.002-06:00

For your entertainment, here are a few conversations with the wonderful people who are a part of my life... :-)

Text Message...
Faz: What are you up to?
Raaji: My mom is 'forcing' a manicure on me while we watch a movie
Faz: Oh your life is soo rough!
---

"My lips are numb, but I can still read."
-Emily, announcing why she wasn't drunk enough
---

But we are in water. Alright, I take it back. We are not in water anymore, we are in oil now.
-Raaji, on the oil spill, Geography, and such
---

I cannot wait to have something to drink with Alcohol in it. Is it so bad guys?
-Britney, after a very stressful first week of work.
---

Marvin: Alright, second round?
Oscar: No man.... moderation.
Marvin: Not at a buffet!
-getting the worth of his money
---

Raaji: So how was it last night?
Marvin: I went in with one girl, I came out with another, I'd say it was a pretty good night.
----

"It's okay to have heroin in your veins, just not in your pocket."
-Criminology Professor.
----

Raaji (looking at Shaf's drink): Is that mountain dew?
Shaf: Yeah
Raaji: They changed the color? Its blue now?
Shaf: Its a different flavor.
Raaji: Well at least this one doesn't look like pee.
*shaf laughs*
[a moment later]
Raaji: So does it taste the same?
Shaf (in all seriousness): I don't know. I haven't tasted pee.

[I meant if the flavors tasted the same]

[For more Funny Quotes, click on the 'Funny Quotes" tab in the menu bar above]

To Have It All

2010-11-13T18:21:00.000-06:00

The worse mistake we make is leave something good in hopes that there is something better out there for us. And sadly, we make this mistake too often. The truth is, there is always something - someone - better out there for us. Someone who is more compatible, someone who is more beautiful, someone who would fit more into our lives. You can use all the logic in the world and calculate all the compatibilities, and you will see your perfect mate. But would that perfect mate love you? Would that perfect mate be near you? Or would that perfect mate will even be available? The answer is... 'Perhaps,' but are you really willing to bet on that? Are you willing to set your small loving home on fire in hopes for a big mansion tomorrow which may or may not exist?

And I wish I could tell you to not make this mistakes, to learn from what I have seen. Because I know all too well that once you take that step there is no way of undoing it. But I won't tell you because I get it - I get it that we are selfish, we want it all and the most dangerous thing we want is "More". So I won't tell you not to make this mistake because it is something you know in your heart or you don't.

All I can tell you is that you will make this mistake and you will regret it.

Separation Anxiety

2010-11-06T21:25:00.001-05:00

It is surreal driving long distance at night. You feel almost weird when there is no one else on the road except yourself. The only light you see around comes from your own headlights and there is no one to give you company but the lonely moon watching over you from far away.

I look at the moon from the side of my eye as I drive down this seemingly never ending road hoping to reach yet another strange destination soon. I look at the moon and think about all those I have associated the moon with and all those who have associated the moon with me. In this dreamlike light of the moon, I gaze over the shining fields and picture the lost lovers, the forgotten friends, and the never acknowledged faces. I leave yet another place and become a lonely traveler in yet another city. I pity myself for being alone and leaving those I left and leaving those I had to leave.

And as I pity myself, I see another lonely car passing by me going in the opposite direction. As it approaches me, he turns down his headlights and I turn down mine. We come close for a brief moment in acknowledgment of each other before we go back to blackness of the road.

And every time that happens, no matter how scarcely it does - when two cars meet at night on a lonely road, when they dim their headlights for each other and their paths cross for that short moment during their journeys in opposite directions... I feel like I am NOT ALONE in this world.

After Midnight

2010-11-01T15:11:00.002-05:00

The magic has fled. Time forced itself to flow as it always did and the night turned towards morning's promise. She nearly fainted with exhaustion as her power drained the way it always did with the passing of midnight.

Someday she would find a way to hold onto it. There had to be a way to prevent the fading of the eldritch energy she wielded to keep her place safe. But tonight was another failed attempt.

Weary and heartbroken, she struggled to the bed and crawled into its soft comfort. For another day the fairy queen would fall into rejuvenating sleep. And as night turned to day in the midnight hour, she would attempt once more to cast the spells that would protect her heart.
-----

For More: I ROMANTICIZE

Bittersweet October

2010-10-27T21:37:00.002-05:00

October is my favorite. There is something about it that makes you feel sad and full of life at the same time. It is that mellow month in which everything strips down to its core and show you what it is all about. Somehow, it brings out the rawness of life that no other season can - a perfect pause between the opposing miseries of summer and winter.
------

If you like my photography and writings, you could "Like" I ROMANTICIZE on facebook to get updates :-)

Life is Funny (24)

2010-10-25T00:07:00.000-05:00

Real-life incidents and quotes from the lovely people who are a part of my life :-)

Britney: Did someone call 911 by accident? There is a police officer on the door
Raaji: I don't know, is he cute?
---

Jokes can sometimes be nice too - especially if they are funny
-Megan, During public speaking training.
---

"If you are a vegetarian, can you still eat animal crackers?"
-point to ponder.
----

"Sometimes students fall asleep in my class. I used to bring a long leather whip for these occasions, but after some administrative issues am now obliged to rely solely on public humiliation."
-Political Theory Professor
---

Office assistant explaining the old printer to me,
“Paper jams are like snowflakes –- there’s no two alike.”
---

Every time I come out of my Spanish class, I thank God for English
-Raajii, struggling with spanish
---

Emily: I'm mad.
Raaji: What's the matter?
Emily: I can't see my forehead.
-one drunken night.
---

"Why does that have to be there! Couldn't they at least make it padded or something?!"
-Raaji, on cement highway barriers
---

In a hotel room, to a male coworker,
Raaji: Soooo, I am checking you out.
Dave: Excuse me?
Raaji: oh,.. umm... out of the room, I mean. I will check you out of the room, I am not leaving just yet. Umm... you can give me your keys.
[he laughed really hard and needless to say, I was quite embarrassed]
---

Shaf: This place is haunted. I dont want to live here alone.
Raaji: Relax, I lived here for quite some time - alone. I made out alright.
Faz: She made out with the Ghost!
---

For more, click on the "Funny Quotes" tab in the menu bar above.

Lover's Music

2010-10-13T00:57:00.002-05:00

There is a music that lovers hear. They walk hand in hand, standing close to each other in a queue at a theater or subway station, heads touching while they sit on a park bench, and there is always a song that plays between them: The stirring chords of romance's first bloom, the stately airs that whisper between a couple long in love. You can see it in the way they look at each other... you can almost hear it. Almost, but not quite, because the music belongs to them and all you can have of it is an echo that rises up from the murmur and shuffle of your own experience and memories.

[1] My Sister Says...

2010-10-09T00:13:00.000-05:00

I have a little sister. Did I ever tell you that? She is 11 now, and she follows me around whenever she can. She is the most phenomenal kid I have ever come across. She speaks the plain unvarnished truth. She dishes it out in no uncertain terms, with heartfelt emotion coloring each phrase. Here are few of the 'truths' she says...

[for reference, she calls me "Appa" = Big Sister]

"Mom, I do exactly what you want me to do.... *Pauses*... Eventually."
----

Raaji: What is my ipod doing on the floor? See, that is why I dont give you my things.
Sister: Appa, I just put it down on the floor so that I dont drop it. Geez, I am taking care of your things.
----

"Appa, you are so mean! I swear you have horns under those pretty hair of yours!"

----

Quietly laying on the couch for half an hour or so...
Raaji: Lazy bum, get up and do something.
Sister: I am doing something.
Raaji: And what is that?
Sister: I am thinking! :-)
----

Siting on her desk in a deep thought...
Raaji: So, what is going on in the pretty little head of yours?
Sister (touching her head): Its pretty, isn't it?
----

Sister: They said there would be a lot of humidibity out today.
Raaji (knowing fully what she meant): The what?
Sister: Humi-di-bity.
Raaji: Humidity?
Sister: Oh yeah, that.
-You should hear her say this word :-P
----

Raaji: So if you could change one thing about school, what would you do?
Sister: Burn it down.
----

More soon...

:-)

The Lovers

2010-10-04T22:30:00.001-05:00

As I sit down with the cup of coffee and look outside through the glass door, I think about how the days of the lush green grass and bright colored roses are numbered - how in just a matter of few weeks, it will all be white once winter sets in. No colors, just white. The thought of winter almost always reminds me of lovers. The lost lovers, somewhere deep inside that white. Perhaps they are still alive, perhaps they are all dead now. These are the lovers who loved and the lovers who never loved. The lovers who loved but were never loved and the lovers who never loved but always loved. I think about those who loved me right and those who loved me wrong. I think about the wrong ones who loved me right and the right ones who never loved at all, perhaps because I was the wrong one.

But if only you'd let me love you....

The hardest lesson I had to learn, and was reminded again is that love alone is never enough. Its always loving by the right person that matters. They are wrong when they say that love is the best thing that could happen to you, that all you need is love. Its really not about love, it is about The One. And we blame the emotion all the time. I really do not believe that just-because-someone-doesn't-love you-the-way-we-want-them-to,-doesn't-mean-that-they-don't-love-you-at-all theory. The truth is, we don't care about love, we care about how it makes us feel and if it doesn't feel right, no matter how much the other loves us, it wouldn't matter. How selfish are we.

That's the tragedy - some people will never amount up to that no matter how much they love us and those who amount up to everything seldom love us back.

Special Delivery of Pain

2010-09-28T09:53:00.005-05:00

It was a visibly cloudy afternoon when I pulled the car into the parking lot. I still had 15 minutes to spare before I was needed inside. John Mayer was singing Gravity on the radio and I wanted the song to finish before I stepped out of the car. So I sat there quietly, listening.

"...gravity wants to bring me down."

Through the windshield, I looked at the park in front of me right across the pavement and behind the short fence. A few really little kids were playing – jumping up and down the swings. They seemed about 3 or 4 years old. They were cute. The two boys were obviously teasing a little girl who seemed quite pissed off at them. I smiled at them but couldn’t help and remember my own time. It seemed like just a few years ago I was jumping up and down the slides, and the see-saws and racing with friends on the swings determined to go higher than them. Those were the days when the headaches wouldn’t hold me back, and the nightmares wouldn't keep me up at night. But somehow these memories of playing in the park are vague. I remember the time but I cannot pin point specific incidents in the parks, neither can I remember exactly what games we played.

I do, however, remember all the abuses on the uneventful nights and all the wrong things said and done. All the times I was locked in the dark attic and all the obnoxious arguments we had are quite clear in my head. I remember each bruise and each curse word as if it happened just yesterday. I could feel each breath and every sob.

It’s amazing how the bad memories stick so much longer than the good ones would – how conveniently, the shadows keep us from the light, and how nightmares keep us awake at night, while the good moments, the few good that we have, just slide away. And we let them.... or do we?

“…oh gravity, stay the hell away from me.”

A Bench

2010-09-25T22:15:00.002-05:00

I have a certain fascination with benches. They are the lonely places found almost everywhere yet never appreciated - only used and left alone - a place where you can expect to sit for a moment, catching your breath, and then moving on. These benches, we are never loyal to them, but they are always loyal to us - allowing us to make memories, finding us around the bend of the road or in the middle of the park, or just outside the building in solitude to allow us to think, to talk, to kiss, and sometimes to cry.

Life is Funny (23)

2010-09-20T14:48:00.000-05:00

Real life incidents and quotes from the lovely people who are a part of my life :-)

"I am sorry, I cant understand you, I am an ignorant American."
-Megan, On east Asian cities names
----

"If you took this to your eighth grade English teacher, there'd be so much red ink on it you'd think she'd cut her wrists."
-Biology Professor, on the written part of the bio lab
-----

"Do not lick that, or put it in your mouth...."
- regarding an electrical cord

-----

Chris: You know for 350 degrees this oven isn't very hot...
Raaji: That would be because you just opened the microwave.
-on wrong applications
-----

Please, please do this for me. I'll pay you in baked goods, cds, or other.
-Emily, the art of begging
-----

Today's topic is statistical inferences and since this is a political science seminar, I don't expect you to know statistics so today's class is going to be a lot about trust-me-on-this-one.
-Political Science Professor, on public opinion statistics
-----

Abruptly coming to a stop while running down the hallway,
Raaji: Oh, I'm not supposed to run with scissors...darn it!
-no really, I am not allowed, I can be dangerous
-----

Overheard in Political Science Class,
Random guy: That test was really hard.
His friend: Yeah, I had a hard time reading what the Asian chick in front of me was writing.
----

For more, click on the "Funny Quotes" tab in the menu bar above.

The Red Darkness

2010-09-16T22:27:00.005-05:00

I slowly drag the blade across each of my wrists and watch the blood pour from my already pale body onto the floor.

I fall back onto the red sheets on the bed and that black rose I was clutching falls to the floor. The black dress I am wearing conveniently absorbs the blood pouring from me. I turn a whiter shade of pale.

Two tears fall from my eyes and make their way down my body until they reach the rose. The tears connect with the rose and it momentarily changes from black to red, then wilts back to black, for the last time.

I close my eyes as if I am asleep. It seems as if my wounds are healing and the blood is disappearing when in reality it is only the black that is hiding it.

As darkness approaches, I make believe that every star is twinkling and shining in my direction. The full moon is settling outside my window, and illuminating my whole body. I imagine the drops of blood turning to ruby; tears turning to crystal...

The fire still burns deep inside my heart, although everything around me is now dark.

Love The Way You Lie

2010-09-09T10:48:00.001-05:00

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn...But that's alright because I like the way it hurts...," the radio sang and so did I. It was almost dark and we were driving out of the city to go back to the house.

The little one, sitting next to me in the passenger seat, looked at me for a moment and then turned to go back to looking out the window.

"Just gonna stand there and hear me cry but that's alright because I love the way you lie...," the radio continued and I turned the volume up.

She looked at me again. This time she sighed audibly before turning back towards the window again.

Eminem started rapping, and I lost myself somewhere in the beat.

"Why do you like sad songs?" her voice brought me back.

"It's not really a sad song," I replied while turning the volume down.

"Of course it is, the woman is talking about burning herself, what more do you want?" she asked seriously.

I chuckled at her response.

"I am serious, why do you like such depressing songs?" she asked again.

"This one, has deep lyrics, so it attracts me," I responded vaguely.

"What deep lyrics... the guy is a jerk to her and she loves him for that?"

"She doesn't love him for that, but she loves him despite that," I replied.

"But it doesn't make sense," she replied with a confused expression on her face.

I looked at her from the back of my eye and said, "I hope this never makes sense to you, my dear."

I sighed, knowing fully how much the understanding makes my heart hurt. But my sigh was drowned somewhere in the music.

Life is Funny (22)

2010-08-28T18:16:00.002-05:00

Real life incidents and quotes from the lovely people who are a part of my life :-)

“Standby, I’ve had a few drinks.”
-Emily
---

Pooja and I were discussing the ending of the movie Inception right after we watched it and asked Stephanie for her opinion. She came up with a totally original idea: 'It means that this movie has ...a sequel!'
----

On the phone....
Raaji: Hello?
Faz: Hello?
Raaji: Hello.
Faz: Hello.
Raaji: Hello!
Faz: Helloo!
Raaji: HELLO!!
Faz: Yeah, any time you want to move past the hello stage.
Raaji: Jerk! I thought you couldnt hear me!
----

Marvin and Raaji talking on the phone one late night, Raaji going on and on about something, Marvin replying with an occasional, "hmm" or "ahan". Then Raaji realizes,
Raaji: Aww, you are tired right?
Marvin: Yes, very much.
Raaji: Aww, alright dear, I will let you sleep then.
Marvin (in all seriousness): Thank you.
------

Sorry, I am too busy. I cant use my brain at the moment.
-Raaji
----

At Philly airport, a guy was complaining at the help desk because his plane was late.
Man: But I have a First Class Ticket!
Employee: First Class or Economy, the plane leaves at the same time!
----

You are only supposed to ask me questions that I have the answers to!
-Criminology professor during a discussion about elections and criminal behavior.
----

Faz (sort of angry): I just realized I am a jerk!
Raaji: FI-NA-LYYY! :-P
----

And this one is an absolute classic:

"No, I do NOT want to be on your mating list! Oh, I mean your mailing list.
-Stephanie, talking to an advertising agent on the phone.
----

For more, click on the "Funny Quotes" tab in the menu bar above.

Separate Ways

2010-08-23T23:50:00.000-05:00

The only time when all the commuter trains leave the station around about the same time is at the end of the work day. The station is packed and so are all the trains all parked parallel to each other. These trains take many tired people to their suburban homes only to bring them back to the city the next morning. I happen to be one of them. Almost every day when I board my train, I specifically find a seat by the window so that I can enjoy the scenery once the train starts rolling.

Usually when two trains leave the station, they run parallel for a little while before splitting to different directions. Sometimes, they come so close to each other that you can almost take your hand out and touch the window pane of the other train.

Sometimes you can see people sitting in there through the tainted glass. Sometimes you briefly make eye contact with a stranger in the other train before the trains start to drift apart.

Everyday, I anticipate the train coming close to me, making a brief contact and then leaving just as I anticipate people to come close to me, make some contact and then leave, and I never find them the same way again.

Some days it is surreal - watching them come close and smiling at them. At other times it is painful knowing that they will leave. And some days I can't bear to sit on that side of the train knowing fully in my heart that I wouldn't want them to leave.

Alike

2010-08-18T21:25:00.000-05:00

They are all alike. Those who say that they will love you forever and those who are totally indifferent towards you. They are all alike. Those who claim they felt the pain and those who inflict that pain. They are alike. Those who are heartbroken and those who broke the heart. Those who make promises and break them with no remorse, and those who leave you halfway. Those who vow to protect you and those who stab you in the heart. They are all alike. Those who love passionately and those who kill you softly. All Alike.

We are bound to be both predators and victims. Humans - we are all alike.