Airports, Flying & Such

Being a frequent air traveler, I have traveled with every possible airline in an attempt to find cheaper fares, efficient service, shorter travel time and proper customer service and so far I have not succeeded in finding such an airline. But before I rant on about airlines, let me tell you what we all *really* think about airports. If you fly frequently, you will agree with me.

Every time I have to fly home, I can’t help but wonder… If God had really intended men to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport.

Airports are gigantic, man-made concrete structures designed by failed psychology students who have vowed revenge on mankind and seek our eventual downfall. They are complex, evil, challenging mazes of sadism which have been erected not as a service to travellers, but in order to study the breaking point of the human mind and the amount of time it takes before an innocent passenger is driven insane. Airports maximize the distance from point A to point B, regardless of where these two points are physically located. If point A begins at "gate 12-C", and point B lies at "gate 3-A", the traveler should be forced to cross six walkways, ride aboard two trams, climb up three flights of stairs (and then back down for some reason), and traverse some sort of bridge that's under construction since The Great Depression. If point A begins at "gate 12-C" and point B lies at "gate 13-C", then there should be a gigantic concrete wall blocking the hall, forcing the traveler to walk all the way around the terminal in a circle. Cities build airports this way so passengers will be forced to spend hours walking through the terminal until they weaken and pass out inside the airport gift shop where, due to temporary insanity, they will purchase a ceramic mug with the city's name plastered across it.

Also, when you are at the airport, you should know that the Flight Reservation Systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere.

But if you are lucky enough, they will find you in their database and give you a boarding pass. After receiving your boarding ticket, you will pass through a ritual as there will be people around you who would walk as close as they can to the gate's doors or stand motionless in front of them until they are allowed to board. This tells the rest of the passengers that they are in a hurry and really want to get to wherever the hell the plane is flying to. They concentrate on blocking the path of all people trying to exit and remain adamant of their coveted position in line, despite the fact that everybody has been assigned a designated seat and it doesn't matter at which order you enter.

Once you board the plane, you wait and wait and wait. But there comes a point where the airplane actually takes off from the ground. It is a pretty good feeling, except that we are all so tired and hungry from having waited this long that it doesn’t make much of a difference. This would have been fine, except we couldn't get any sleep because the plane's seats don't lay back, our leg room is actually someone else’s seat and we don’t eat because they refuse to feed us. I think they should use airlines to take the worst criminals to jail. Because then when they get there prison will look like Las Vegas by comparison.

After all the jolts and the turbulence, if we are lucky we land and on our way out we are greeted something to these lines: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of our airline."

The Bright Side of Life

I know this is going to sound really cheesy… like really cheesy… even corny but I have to do this.

Every year, in honor of America’s stuff-your-face holiday, it is customary for me to make a mental list of the things I am thankful for… I don’t know why, but it feels good to feel thankful sometimes (slightly better than content, and slightly worse than buzzed). And, I think it’s also necessary to help me in my quest to continue retaining some semblance of sanity.

So here goes,

I am really thankful for the strawberry cheesecake. Believe it or not, sometimes cheesecake is the answer to all of life’s problems.

I am thankful that I just remembered that I have cheesecake in the fridge. Excuse me.

I am thankful for my friends, the ones who always have my back and are constant reminders that I am occasionally a decent human being and, all in all, I’m okay because I don’t really mean anyone any harm.

I am thankful for the microwave, the fast-fast internet, TIVO, and the GPS. I dare you to imagine life without these things. :-)

I am thankful that my family, despite all that I put them through, never gave up on me and figured I’d turn out okay (and I’m still working on that—really, I am).

I am thankful for perfect timings—my friends stopping yours truly from mistakenly jumping off a third floor window in pitch blackness late one night.

Thank god for all the extended deadlines!!

I am thankful that I managed to keep myself out of the obituaries yet another year :-)

I am thankful for the Starbucks that finally opened in the neighborhood. It was about time!

Special thanks for all sorts of pets out there. They are a constant source of ego boost that we all need from time to time.

I am thankful for the leftovers in the fridge. You might disagree with me but a meal is never tastier than when you crawl out of bed after 10 hrs of sleep, lazily open the fridge, grab some leftovers and slouch on the sofa in front of the TV devouring on the leftovers and continue being lazy--- blissful.

And…

Most of all, I am thankful for the three little words, “I love you”.