There was nothing in the forecast about snow on Sunday up until yesterday. But here it is, Sunday afternoon and I can't see a thing outside my window. Such thick fall of white insanity covering everything in sight. I should have known - what is Valentine's day without snow. I don't remember a Valentine's day without a little snow, and I don't remember a Valentine's day without a little sadness.

I remember one time when I was in college, it snowed so much that all classes were cancelled on the morning of February 14. That was a good start to Valentine's day for most of us. Then another year it was such a bad blizzard that those overpriced flower deliveries never made it to their recipients.  Then another time, I was an hour late for dinner because the traffic was horrendous with the sudden onset of snow.

I also remember all sadness of Valentine's day. And that sadness doesn't come with a lack of a partner or the wrong partner. Oh, none of that. It's because it's all so forced. The forced flowers, the forced dinner, the forced chocolates that I don't even like, the unavailability of dinner reservation and the pressure to get one. Perhaps the snow tries to cover the pretentiousness of it all but fails miserably every year. I hate things being forced on me. Love, of all things. Love should never be forced. It wouldn't be loved then. Valentine's day has become just so sad.

The last time I saw him was in October five years ago. We sat on my favorite bench, but we weren't making any good memories. He was there to tell me what he had decided. He was there to tell me that he chose her over me, and that was it. He didn’t give me a chance to ask any questions or to get any closure. He didn’t give me a chance to cry and yell at him. He just walked right out.

The next time I saw him was five years later at a funeral. Our paths would have never crossed again if it weren't for the death of someone we both knew. Funerals have a way of bringing everyone together. They expect that we put everything else behind us and just get along even if it is for only that day. So I did that. I got along just fine with everyone, including him. I knew he was more devastated than I was from this loss, and I couldn’t help but feel sadder for him than I did for losing a friend. When we looked at each other, I could tell that he was surprised to see me there. Perhaps he didn’t think I would actually come, or perhaps he just didn't think about me at all. But once he saw me, he couldn't stop looking at me. So I walked up to him. We shared a few words about our loss. We tried to console each other, but we couldn’t really. How do you get over someone’s passing? You can’t really. You just learn to live with it.

We are wired to cry and feel sad, and regret many thing we have done when someone we know dies. We cry for someone who is no longer with us, and quite possibly is in a much better place than most of us. We cry when that someone has found their peace, when someone has lived and seen, and is now finally resting. We have a hard time letting that go, but we don’t ever care to shed a tear for the living. We kill something inside each other everyday, and we don’t mourn that loss. There are ways of dieing that don't end in funerals. Hearts break, lives change, even completely destroyed, and we don’t even shrug.

It doesn't matter if he feels sad, or guilty, or even if he apologizes. It's all done now. I died then, and he can't bring me back to life for himself again. I can't unfeel what I have felt.

I suppose he'll just have to come and cry at my funeral too.

Do you think there comes a point where the pain just stops? Or is it never-ending?

Isn’t there a point when you no longer care because you know that it could not possibly hurt anymore? The pain is absolved and the fear is gone because there is nothing left of your soul to be ripped apart. When it happens you sit on the floor, your back to the door, and just stare at the wall. Somehow the emptiness is comforting then. You don’t want to stand up because you know exactly what is waiting for you on the other side of the door. Some people tell me that they see the darkness begin to rise from the floor. They can no longer fight off the darkness. Hence they welcome it inside them.

The light goes out, the soul extinguishes and the pain disappears.

Is that how the pain disappears?
 

After reading some Urdu poetry and prose here and there on this blog, a lot of the readers asked me to write more in Urdu. A lot of my friends have asked me to do the same.
I must admit that this language has been a very important part of my life, my personality—myself.

So I collect beautiful words of my language and compile them in An Elegant Emotion. I capture emotions… I liberate feelings for the sake of my language… for the sake of love.

Do blogroll it and visit. Thank you.

http://anelegantemotion.blogspot.com/