Monday, April 14, 2014


From weeks to days to hours – to finally – it has come to minutes. I am sitting at the train station profusely writing and simultaneously staring at the split-flap display to monitor the incoming trains. I see train after train but there is no sign of Dylan. Every time a train comes by, I stand up with hopeful eyes, and every time it goes off to whatever destination, I sink down in this bench to scribble a little more. I am almost afraid that he did not get on the right train. And if he did, it seems like his train is not a train but a little caterpillar taking forever to get here. Ah, there is no end to the ridiculous scenarios a waiting mind conjures. As you can imagine, I am at the brink of patience right now. I have waited for far too long to see him again. 

We spend an inhumane amount of time just waiting. We start with waiting for the buses, and the trains. Waiting at the airports to find a glimpse of a familiar face. Waiting for someone to come into our lives, waiting for someone to get out of our lives, waiting for some good news, waiting for that package in the mail, waiting for the sun to set, and then waiting for it to rise again. We lie awake waiting for an embrace. We wait for the dinner to end; for the cake to finish baking. It seems as if there is an endless wait (or perhaps it is a 'weight'). I have just sat here and waited. Waited for something – someone – to happen, because I knew that I was always producing and hoarding more love inside me, and there was no release. I wanted it to flow. I wanted that overwhelming feeling of joy – that which I would not have to contain.

And oh, there he is, in the distance looking lost. Carrying his bag like a school boy. I feel that overwhelming joy creeping in. The agonizing wait is over. For now.

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

The Idea of You.

We have preconceived notions of a person we think we'll love. If someone would have painted a picture of Dylan to me before I met him, it probably wouldn't have been too appealing to me.  Not because he was lacking something, it's just that he didn't fit my profile at the time. He didn't fit my idea of a person I would love.

For so many years, I lived with the idea of a man - not really a man. I liked how it made me feel. It made me feel content and comforted - that idea of you. It was when I was at my best and you were yours. I never really lived with you, I lived with all the thoughts I created in my head about you. All the time I had been seeing you, it was really the idea of you that I wanted to see. I didn't really love you, I loved what I imagined you were, what you were supposed to be. And boy o' boy, did I love you?! I loved you so much. Now, it isn't you I am letting go, it is that idea of you in my head, and that's what pains me. The idea of you that I nurtured, and loved, and cherished is what I have to let go.

It's so terrifying but we all have to recognize at some point that we don't truly love anyone until we let go of the idea of what we are supposed to love - to let go of the person that exist only in our heads. Loving real human beings is hard, but that's the only love that lasts. 

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Just Yet.

I had written something devastatingly glum for this occasion. My lucky streak was over. Tonight was supposed to be the perfect timing to commemorate the memories of what I once had and how with time I have become lonely and selfish and overlooked. Life slowly grows quieter and people forgot that you existed. New years are forgotten, fewer people show up to thanksgiving dinners and happy birthdays turn into belated birthdays, or no birthdays at all. You learn to accept that.

But then.

But then, we are too quick to jump into the pool of sorrow that's not necessarily ours. We are too quick to pity our miserable existence - too quick to label it a miserable existence. We shut the joys out because it's too terrifying. It is incredibly taxing to forget about one little scar we got years and years ago. I have held on to anger for far too many years. I have been standing on the edge, ready to jump in and drown in my sorrows, and tonight would have been perfect for that.

But then.

It isn't my time. Just yet.

Thursday, March 06, 2014

Your Rose.

More Photos: I Romanticize
"People where you live," the Little Prince said, "Grow five thousand roses in one garden... yet they don't find what they're looking for..."
"They don't find it," I answered.
"And yet what they're looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water..."
"Of course," I answered.
And the little prince added, "But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart."

The Little Prince went back to the roses again.

"You're not at all like my rose. You're nothing at all yet," he told them. "No one has tamed you and you haven't tamed anyone. You're the way fox was. He was just a fox like a hundred thousand others. But I've made him my friend, and now he's the only fox in all the world."

And the roses were humbled.

"You're lovely but you are empty," he went on. "One couldn't die for you. Of course, an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than all of you together, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass. Since she's the one I sheltered behind a screen. Since she's the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose."

It's the time you spent with your rose that makes your rose so important. You become responsible forever for what you've tamed. You're responsible for your rose.

~ The Little Prince -  Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ry

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Minor Difference.

There really wasn't much to it. We went along quite well. I charmed him, he made me laugh. I cared. He cared. We didn't give each other reasons to break down. We were compatible. There was perhaps just a minor difference, and we kept refusing to talk about it. Perhaps because I thought we'll fix it with time. Perhaps, because it was just small. Like a hair embedded in freshly coated paint on the wall, like a pinch of extra salt making the dish a tad bit saltier, like the water not cold enough on a hot summer day, like sitting side by side but not touching, like kissing but not closing your eyes. Like driving on a road leading directly towards the mountain but never really covering any distance and never really reaching the base of that mountain. Like catching a bird on the ground but letting it slip right out of your fingers and seeing it fly away.  Like being there but not really being there.

It wasn't anything major, just a minor discrepancy, if you will. But it made all the difference. Like one digit off in the frequency of the radio channel makes the difference between listening to the radio, and listening to static. Like letting the chicken fry a few minutes longer makes the difference between yummy chicken dinner and chicken in the trash. Like sometimes how the red light on the intersection can decide whether you are going to be on time for work or not. Like the difference between the right word and the almost right word can change the course of a conversation. Like the moonless night can suck the life out of the sea waves. Like almost tasting love, but never really getting to embrace it.

That's all the difference there was. I loved him more than he wanted me, and what a delicious torment that little difference was.



Abstract (89) Accidents (1) Advices (13) Agression (3) Airlines (3) Airports (4) Alone (6) Angels (1) Anger (4) Animals (1) Autumn (10) Beach (5) Beauty (5) Bench (1) Birthdays (4) Bits and Pieces (148) Black (3) Black and White (1) Books (7) Bottles (1) Break (2) Breakfast (1) Camera (2) Cats (2) Changes (6) Chicago (1) Child (2) Childhood (8) Christmas (6) City (3) coffee (11) Coffee Shops (3) College (52) Colors (2) Colors. Photography (6) Communication (1) Conversations (9) Couple (6) Courage (3) Cozy (1) Crazy (1) Cute (1) Cycle of Replacement (7) Dandelion (1) Dark (34) Death (8) Dogs (2) Domestic Violence (2) dreams (15) Driving (3) Dylan (2) Emotions (19) Exams (6) Excerpts (2) Facebook (1) Fairy-tales (4) Faith (3) Fall (9) Family (4) Fiction (1) Forgiveness (5) Forgotten (8) friends (74) Fun (48) Funerals (1) Funny Quotes (18) Games (1) Ghosts (1) God (13) Gratitude (1) Halloween (1) Happiness (32) Hate (3) Heartbreak (30) Hell (2) Hemingway (1) Holidays (10) Home (4) Hope (3) House M.D (2) Humor (65) I Romanticize (13) illusion (10) Imagination (2) Ironies (2) Journeys (1) Kids (6) Kisses (1) Landscape (4) Late-nights (6) Laughter (2) Lazy (1) Lessons (15) Letters (3) Life (257) Life Is Funny (1) Literature (1) Loneliness (4) love (137) Lovers (28) Lovesick (24) Magic (10) March (1) Memories (61) Men (6) Message (10) methodology (1) Misery (4) Mistakes (5) Moon (2) Morning (2) Mother (2) Mountain (2) Movies (1) My Sister Says (2) Nature (5) New Year (8) Nightfall (8) Nightmares (3) Observations (8) Obsession (1) October (1) opinions (102) Pain (20) Pakistan (1) Paris (1) Passion (6) Past (12) Peace (5) People (14) Pets (2) Phoebe (1) Photography (43) Poems (2) Poetry (21) Professors (3) Questions (17) Quotes (40) Rain (2) Readers (2) Red (2) Reflections (157) relationships (75) Religion (1) Resolution (1) Road Trips (2) Roses (3) Sad (75) Sarcasm (4) Scenes (1) Season (1) Separation (3) Seperation (3) Setbacks (6) Shadows (2) Short Stories (16) Siblings (1) Silence (4) Sinatra (1) Sisters (3) Sky (3) Sleep (2) Snow (10) Snowfall (3) Social Issues (4) Soul mates (11) Stars (1) Story (2) Strangers (6) Street (1) Students (17) Summer (3) Sundays (10) Sunset (2) Sunshine (7) T.V Shows (4) Tags (1) Testimony (2) Thank You (1) Thanksgiving (2) The Crazy Ones (2) The Little Prince (1) The Walking Dead (1) Theories (5) Thoughts (13) Traffic (3) Travel (5) Trees (1) Urdu (2) Valentines Day (5) Values (5) Wait (1) Waiting (1) Walks (1) Washington DC (4) Weak (1) Winter (14) Wizard of Oz (1) Women (6) Words (3) Wordscape (1) World (2) Writers (2) Writing (4)