Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Wall of Imagination.

Sometimes when I am lying in the bed or on the couch, I stretch as if I am trying to reach for something. But there is nothing there except the wall of my imagination. Have I reached it, I wonder. What if I can’t indulge myself in my fantasies anymore. What if this is it. This life. These early mornings and late nights. These chaotic afternoons and silent evenings.

Sometimes I find myself humming a tune, reliving a moment and feeling a tickle in my heart. Sometimes I wonder if I have just conjured it up and it can’t possibly be real. What I felt and feel and touched was nothing but a figment of my overly dramatic fascination with this life and this love. I waited for something and then something died. It was over but then it begun. It’s a funny game.

This makes no sense - what I wrote above. Just like life sometimes. But you have to witness it and write it as best as you can hoping that someday it will give you an end that you’ll weave into a tapestry you always imagined.

Monday, June 29, 2015

All You Get.

What do you get for falling in love?  You get to be dizzy, slightly nauseous, like you've taken one too many Vicodins.  You get to be a little paranoid and a little suspicious.  You get to always worry about someone else, you get to always put their desires and needs before your own. When you fall in love, on some level you give up your liberty to do all the things you want to do, whenever you want to do them.  You get to have little to no privacy. When you love, you get to always be afraid... of loneliness, of heartbreak, and disappointment.   

But if you are lucky, you get to feel warm and safe. You get to have the privilege to know someone more than anyone else, and in ways that no one else can. You get to know them in the most mundane of ways, like right after they wake up and look like a mess, or on a lazy Sunday afternoon, when they are just sitting and reading the New York Times, like when they have   nothing left to say right before you go to sleep. 
  
You get to know someone beyond the dating games. You get to see them eating Chinese straight out of the take-out box. You get to watch them watch T.V. on a Monday night feeling no pressure to entertain you. You get to see them scratch their hair and rub their arm and twirl their fingers. You get to be the only person aware of their silly little quirks. You get to witness them in their most elemental form. For me, that has always been exhilarating. 

You get to share your life with someone and invite them to participate in the most arbitrary decisions of your life. “Chicken or steak tonight?” “Scandal or House?” “Dress or Jeans?” “Baby or no Baby?” You get to be inspired to be a better person, to be the type of a lover who knows how to really care for someone. You should want to protect them from everything that’s wrong with the world. You don’t want to be the one they need to be protected from. No they’ve already had that, they’ve already been burned. You want to be the best partner, an antidote to all the venom they’ve been made to inject.  

You get to know that if you ever died alone in your apartment, your body would be discovered shortly thereafter. It wouldn’t be left to decay and ultimately be found by your landlord. You get to know that you really affected someone’s life. You left an indelible mark. They will never be the same after you. They will cry and cry in your absence. It sounds morbid but there is a certain comfort in knowing that you have the ability to leave someone grief stricken once you’re gone. 

You get to go on vacations together and witness new places that you would have never had the courage to experience alone. You get to revel in the fresh experiences together and smile (and sometimes laugh) at all the weird memories you've made over the years. Like, when you get lost in the woods, or, when you slammed on the brakes too late and scared the bejeezus out of your partner. Or when you lost your balance while snowboarding, went flying to the ground, and they caught it all on tape.   

You also get to be a goddamn brat. You get to push the wrong buttons and kick and scream, and trust that you won’t be penalized for it. You get to test their patience away, run them against the wall, be an overall crazy person, and still be forgiven. You get to test your insane theories and sadistic fantasies without being judged. You get to defame the neighbors and be totally immune to repercussions. You get to have someone who always takes your side, whether it is during an argument with your mother-in-law, or a screaming match with a reckless driver. They support you. They have to.  

You get to say no. You get to say yes. You get to say screw it. You get to be okay. You get to be safe. You get to be in love. 


Well, most of all, you get to be in love. 

Friday, June 19, 2015

Whistle.

I can whistle. I just can't whistle to an actual tune. I wish I could. There is something about whistling that speaks to me. When I hear Dylan whistle, for just a split second I pause, like time stops for a fraction of a second and starts again. I listen and even ask for more sometimes. There is something soothing about listening to the "Dock of the Bay" being whistled in the kitchen. Makes me realize all over again the difference little things make. That's what we need in life. More whistling.  I need more of you whistling.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Get You.

Some people will never "get you." Try not to spend eternity asking why. Sometimes there is just no connection. No matter what you do, you wont find one. Some people will continue to see you differently. So, you must cherish those who lift your soul. And while you are at it, surround yourself with people who lift you higher. There are always a few, you are just not looking around because you are concentrating too much on the people who will never "get you." The world is already filled with the people who want to bring you down.

The most courageous decision you will ever make is to finally let go of whatever is hurting your heart and soul. Make it. Now is the time. Some things are heavy. You must let them go. It is not your burden to bear.

If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls. Do not be one of those people. It's time to start living the life you always dreamed about.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Dream Fall.

I have been off chasing a dream.

Well, one of them anyway. And I am still not there yet. It is amazing how much energy and effort and dedication it takes to materialize anything. Makes me wonder that perhaps it's really because we don't want to put enough effort into our dreams that they never materialize. We imagine that there is always another day to work on it, that perhaps tomorrow, perhaps next month, I will put my act together and actually get to do what I really love. But we never really get to it.

Over time it becomes such an unattainable idea. We have dreamed it so many times that it no longer has any room in the real world because it would just never materialize as perfectly as it has in our minds. We will stumble and fall, and we will fail. We do.

I almost let a dream fall. I was ready to take an eraser to my soul, wipe the dream that I had carried for so long in my heart. The dream had lain dormant for so long that I felt like I no longer walked towards it. So, I was going to let it go. Then I realized that I had confused the stillness of everyday life with not wanting it anymore.

Now, I am trying to not let the real life get in the way of my dreaming.

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